# Joke Of The Day



## goldenrose (Aug 11, 2007)

heard any good ones lately? I liked this one to start this thread off!
Things to Ponder.....
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

1) Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, when investigating Mad Cow disease, our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. 
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

2) The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

3) The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: 
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


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## Heather (Aug 11, 2007)

A young polar bear cub approached his mother one day and asked, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"
"Of course you are," she replied with a smile.

"OK," said the cub, and padded off. Later, he found his dad out by the iceberg.

"Dad, am I a polar bear?"

"Sure you are, son!" said his dad, wondering a bit at why his son would ask such a silly thing.

The next day, the cub asked the question again and again.

"Are you and mom polar bears? You are? Well, then, does that make me a polar bear? Pure, 100% polar bear?"

Finally, his parents couldn't stand it any longer. "Son, you're driving us crazy with this question! You are a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"

"Cause I'm f'ing FREEZING!"


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## NYEric (Aug 13, 2007)

Of course, *I * bought a book of filthy dirty jokes.


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## goldenrose (Aug 13, 2007)

would that belong in the outback section of this forum?


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## Hien (Aug 13, 2007)

goldenrose said:


> heard any good ones lately? I liked this one to start this thread off!
> Things to Ponder.....
> 1. Cows
> 2. The Constitution
> ...


 the answer to no.1 is:
1) Yes, In a perfect canniballistic society, we will be able to track all the hapless visitors, in fact they would be at the supermarket. (I know, it is a bad joke, but I could not resist when I see it involves cow)


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## Jon in SW Ohio (Aug 13, 2007)

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and a guy from Ohio. All are at the urinals. The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water before he leaves. He says to the others, "In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat." The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, "At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware." The guy from Ohio zips up and heads straight to the door saying, "In Ohio, we learn not to piss on our hands."

Jon


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## Jon in SW Ohio (Aug 13, 2007)

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


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## Jon in SW Ohio (Aug 15, 2007)




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## goldenrose (Aug 16, 2007)

*and how's your day?*

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir. 

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" 

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did." 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut 

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing


your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." 

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?" 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?" 

(I love this part....) 



She answered, "Only when he's been drinking."


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## goldenrose (Aug 23, 2007)

>THE PERFECT DRESS
Jessica's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her 
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best 
dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jessica was horrified to 
learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as 
her mother!
Jessica asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it," she replied.

Jessica told her mother that her Dad's new wife purchased the exact same 
dress for the wedding. Her Mom smiled and graciously said, "Never mind 
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. 
When they stopped for lunch, Jessica asked her mother, "Aren't you going to 
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you 
could wear it."

Her mother just smiled again and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm 
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW !!!!


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## NYEric (Aug 23, 2007)

Hey; we men can enjoy that also! :viking:


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## Eric Muehlbauer (Aug 23, 2007)

OK.......................The Man, The Pig, and The Dog:

A man gets shipwrecked on a deserted island. Just him, a pig, and a dog. The only survivors. Well, over the years, they make a good life together...enjoying the sunsets over the ocean every night. One night, the man is feeling somewhat romantic. So he reaches over, and puts his arm around the pig. Well, the dog began to growl, getting really agitated. Of course, the man got his bearings, and returned to good proper behavior. It never happened again. Then one day there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a young woman. Together, the man, the pig, and the dog nursed her back to health. They all enjoyed watching the sunsets at night. One night, the man decided he was feeling romantic again.....he reached over and put his arm around the woman.....and said...






"Do you think you could take the dog for a walk?"


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## Heather (Aug 23, 2007)

Hahaha! 

I have a really anxious friend, I think he would enjoy that joke, Eric. Unfortunately I cannot send it to him for a few weeks, but I will try to remember it. That really struck my funny bone!


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## goldenrose (Aug 24, 2007)

Good one! I started this thread due to all the jokes one comes across on the internet. Some make their rounds over & over but, these are the ones I haven't heard before!


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## likespaphs (Aug 24, 2007)

what's brown and sticky?

a stick...


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## NYEric (Aug 27, 2007)

A man and his three friends were on the last hole, when the last golfer hit off the tee but drove his shot hard left into a cow pasture. He told his friends to play through and that he would meet them back at the clubhouse. They agreed and waited for their friend to show up. After a while he staggered up appearing badly beaten and disheveled; and they asked what had happened. 

He explained that he went into the cow pasture but couldn't find his ball no matter how hard he searched. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a ball solidly embedded [you know where]. It was a yellow ball so he knew that it wasn't his. A women then appeared out of the bushes apparently looking for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted up the cow's tail and asked, "does this look like yours?"

And that was the last thing he remembered before he woke up on the ground! :rollhappy:


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## Jon in SW Ohio (Aug 28, 2007)

Well, I've been single for quite some time now so I decided to take action.
Last Friday I put an ad in the newspaper classifieds simply saying "Wife Wanted".
Sure enough when I got home today I had over 100 letters and they all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

Jon


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## goldenrose (Aug 28, 2007)

Good Ones GUYS!


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## goldenrose (Aug 30, 2007)

Here's a new one I got today-
An Honest Woman:
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. 
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. 
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. 
The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with her honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this 
your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed, All Us Women


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## goldenrose (Sep 8, 2007)

*Scientific proof!*

Subject: Scientific Proof

As Ben Franklin might have said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine (etc.) = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it
as a public service.


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## likespaphs (Sep 9, 2007)

as w.c. fields said, i don't drink water. fish poop in it (some think he said fish f*ck in it...)


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## NYEric (Oct 30, 2007)

*Bump*

Since Ron said I was bad I'm following through. 

A couple hadn't been dating for long, when they decided to get married. On the honeymoon, the new wife said, "We don't know each other very well so there are a few things we should get straightened out." The husband agreed and asked, "OK; what about sex?" The wife replied, "Infrequently." The husband pondered a few seconds and asked, "Is that one word or two?!" :rollhappy:


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## Grandma M (Oct 30, 2007)

*Happy Halloween*

Bed sheets 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of 

which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several 

false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was 

another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was 

embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of 

composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw 

them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when 

the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his 

arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the 

soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, 

unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, 

(barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, 

walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still 

staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost." 

Happy Halloween ;o)


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## cyp8472 (Oct 30, 2007)

Grandma M said:


> Bed sheets
> 
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
> 
> ...




This is the first one to really make me laugh!:rollhappy:


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## Heather (Oct 30, 2007)

Grandma, you're a hoot! (no pun intended with the approaching holiday upon us!)


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## paphioboy (Nov 1, 2007)

god is crazy..hahahaha

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had
a near death
experience. 

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'


God said, 'No, you have another 43
years, 2 months and 8 days to
live.'


Upon recovery, the woman decided to
stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast
implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair
color and
brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was
released from the
hospital. While crossing the street
on her way home, she was killed by
an ambulance.

Ar riving in front of God, she
demanded, 'I thought
you said I had another 43 years? Why
didn't you pull me from out of
the path of the ambulance?'


(You'll love this!!!)

















God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'


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## paphioboy (Nov 1, 2007)

Some astonishing facts
Message: Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally
retarded , and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an
abortion?
< BR>Read the next question before looking
at the answer for this one.


Ques tion 2:

It is time to elect a new world
leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three
leading candidates.

< BR>
Candidate A - Associates with crooked
politicia ns, and consults with
astrologists . He's had two Mistresses.
He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.


Cand idate B - He was kicked out of
office twice, sleeps until noon ,
used opium in college and drinks a
quart of whiskey every evening.


Candidate C - He is a decorated war
hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
never cheated on his wife.


Whi ch of these candidates would be
your choice?


D ecide first, no peeking, then scroll
down for the answer.

.

.

.
.

.

.

.

.< BR>
.

.

.

.
< BR>.

.

.

.

. 

.

.
.

..





Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Ca ndidate B is Winston Churchill.

Ca ndidate C is Adolph Hitler.


< BR>And, by the way, the answer to the
abortion question:
If you said yes, you've just killed
Beethoven. 

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a
person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new.



Remember: Amateurs built the ark.
Professional s built the Titanic.



Can you imagine working for a
company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the

Following statistics:

< BR>
29 have been accused of spousal
abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad
checks

117 have directly or indirectly
bankru pted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to
bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-
related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

2 1 are currently defendants in
lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk
driving in the last year





Can you guess which organization
this is? Give up yet?



It's the 535 members of the United
States Congress. The same group of

idiots that crank out hundreds of
new laws each year designed to keep
Americans in line. They are also the
same bunch of idiots who can do the
rest of the world. You gotta pass this
one on.


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## goldenrose (Nov 1, 2007)

Excellent!!!


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## littlefrog (Nov 1, 2007)

Of course the main problem with question one is that it is thoroughly incorrect. Beethoven (b. 1770) was a second born child (his first born brother died in infancy, as did so many children of the time). He had two younger brothers who survived to adulthood. There is absolutely no evidence his mother was syphilitic, in fact given the evidence of three healthy children this is extremely doubtful.

I hate this argument so much that I have to debunk it when I see it. Some idiot makes up history and claims it is true to validate their personal opinion. Let's use real history to validate our personal opinions, at least (regardless of what they are). Not a knock on you paphioboy, that particular anecdote is so prevalent that it is accepted as fact. I just want it to go away.

My favorite joke, oft repeated. A pirate walks into a bar. Bartender says "Excuse me, sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel attached to your belt". Pirate replies, " Arrr matey! And its drivin' me nuts!".


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## Mrs. Paph (Nov 1, 2007)

Hahaha, nice, might be tempted to repeat that pirate one, in appropriate company


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## SlipperFan (Nov 1, 2007)

littlefrog said:


> Of course the main problem with question one is that it is thoroughly incorrect. ... that particular anecdote is so prevalent that it is accepted as fact. I just want it to go away.



I agree. Some of this stuff goes around on the internet so much that people believe it. 

I hope everyone knows about snopes: http://www.snopes.com/ -- its a great site for checking the veracity of stuff you get through email.


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## Eric Muehlbauer (Nov 1, 2007)

I love Snopes! I even give the URL to my students...fantastic for debunking all the BS that turns up. After 9/11, all I heard from people were "factual" stories about plans to hit malls on Halloween, donut workers secrtly celebrating....thankfully, Snopes was there to disprove every story. And it finally gave me proof that it is not a crime to kill a praying mantis, Jamie Lee Curtis is not a hermaphrodite, and neither Frank Zappa nor Lenny Bruce challenged someone to poop on stage, and then.......................................
Eric


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## cdub (Nov 1, 2007)

So....the factual solution to rumors and junk email is a website? I haven't explored Snopes probably as much as you all, but the Google banner ads make me think that website is just as credible as those emails.


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## paphioboy (Nov 2, 2007)

SOREE... i just copied n pasted that message from a friendster bulletin..


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## cdub (Nov 2, 2007)

OK someone post another joke, these were funny.


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## goldenrose (Nov 2, 2007)

cdub said:


> OK someone post another joke, these were funny.


I agree, let's take it for pure entertainment value!


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## Corndog (Nov 4, 2007)

Can you explain the difference in a lawyer and a catfish?













One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish. :evil:


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## likespaphs (Nov 4, 2007)

what's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a volkswagen?




getting an elephant pregnant in a volkswagen...

ah, how i love the classics.


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## goldenrose (Nov 4, 2007)

haha - clean & cute!


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## paphioboy (Nov 18, 2007)

Differences between women and men:

A woman was out golfing one day when
she hit the ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and
found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release
me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog
said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to
your wishes. Whatever you wish for,
your husband will get times ten!" The
woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the
world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".

The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for
me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be
the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your
husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than
you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third
wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."

Mora l of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.

Attention to female readers: This is the
end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.





















The man had a heart attack ten times
milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story:
"Women are really dumb but think
they're really smart. Let them
continue to think that way and just
enjoy the show."

PS: If you are a woman and are still
reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!


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## paphioboy (Nov 18, 2007)

My mothertaught me...

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets
home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get
home!"


My Mother taught me to MEET A
CHALLENGE:
" What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you... Don't talk back
to me!"


My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

&"I f you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to
The store with me."


My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."


My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."


My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you're cold?"


My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."


My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN
ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'l l never grow up."


My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"


My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."


My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"


My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF
AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will
understand." 


My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you. Then
you'll see what it's like."


My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."


My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going
to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you
something to cry about."


M y mother taught me about the science
of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"


My mother taught me about
CONTORTIONI SM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the
back of your neck!"


My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room."


My mother taught me how to solve
PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you,
would you listen then?"


My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."


My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR
MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"


My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"


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## Grandma M (Nov 18, 2007)

I LOVE IT:rollhappy::rollhappy:

I printed it out so I can give it to my kids. I had to be a kid who wrote it. So typical.

Thanks for the laugh of my day.

Grandma


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## SlipperFan (Nov 18, 2007)

I think we can all relate to that!!!


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## likespaphs (Nov 19, 2007)

knock knock


{who's there?}


o.j.


{o.j. who?}









okay. you can be on the jury.


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## goldenrose (Nov 19, 2007)

:rollhappy::rollhappy: I guess we better get ready for the reurn of OJ jokes!


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## Corbin (Nov 19, 2007)

Paphioboy,

That is the best I have heard in a long time.


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## goldenrose (Nov 21, 2007)

*Happy Thanksgiving everyone!*

THINGS you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your ch in.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready? 


20. I went way too far, again!


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## Heather (Nov 22, 2007)

LOL, Rose. Nice.


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## NYEric (Nov 22, 2007)

Only at thanksgiving? Pooh!


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## paphioboy (Nov 25, 2007)

VERY INTERESTING


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
>
>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>______________________________
>
>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>_____________________________
>
>
>
>SHOPPING MATH
>
>A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
>A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she 
doesn't need.
>_____________________________
>
>
>
>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS 
>
>A woman worries about the future until she gets 
a husband.
>A man never worries about the future until he 
gets a wife.
>A successful man is one who makes more money 
than his wife can spend. 
>A successful woman is one who can find such a 
man.
>_____________________________
>
>
>
>HAPPINESS
>
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him 
a lot and love him a 
>little.
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a 
lot and not try to understand 
>her at all.
>______________________________
>
>
>
>LONGEVITY
>
>Married men live longer than single men do, but 
married men are a lot more 
>willing to
>die.
>______________________________
>
>
>
>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, 
but he doesn't.
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't 
change, and she does.
>_____________________________
>
>
>
>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning 
of a new argument.
>_____________________________
>
>
>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT 
GETTING MARRIED
>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, 
poking me in the ribs and 
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They 
stopped after I started doing the 
>same thing to them at funerals.


----------



## paphioboy (Jan 3, 2008)

What's in a name?


A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

:clap:


----------



## TheLorax (Jan 10, 2008)

Not a joke but it should be. 

Nelson Rocks Preserve Disclaimer
http://www.nelsonrocks.org/disclaimer.html?Akctive=1


----------



## Heather (Jan 11, 2008)

That was hilarious! I sent it to several colleagues. I think we may need something similar at the garden. :rollhappy:


----------



## NYEric (Jan 11, 2008)

What a great place for an adventure! LOL!


----------



## goldenrose (Jan 11, 2008)

If you're a dog person this is an oldie but goodie & at times a reminder we may need -

Handle any stressful situation like a dog ..... 
if you can't eat it or hump it .......
piss on it & walk away!


----------



## TheLorax (Jan 11, 2008)

This is really funny in a scary sort of way-
Give Peas a Chance!

http://www.peta.org/feat/greenhouse/index.asp?c=rttgemail


----------



## goldenrose (Feb 13, 2008)

CATHOLIC HORSES 
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. 

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. 

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. 

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. 

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. 

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. 

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. 

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears & hooves of the old nag. 
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. 

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. 

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. 

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. 
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'. 

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, 

You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites'!


----------



## NYEric (Feb 13, 2008)

Cute. 
Got this one from web yesterday. 

How the fight started. 

I rear-ended a car this morning. 
So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver gets out the car..and you know how you just get so stressed and life-stuff seems so funny.. Anyway, the guy gets out and I couldn't believe it..he was a dwarf!!!

He storms over to my car, looks up to me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!" 

So I look down at him and say, "So which one are you?"

...and that's how the fight started!...


----------



## paphioboy (Feb 17, 2008)

*crazy facts...*

These should be added to the other
wonders of nature

imagine that
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and
6 days you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years
and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure
when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without
its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body
length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you
imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of
a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next
life...quality
over quantity)

Butterflies
taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the
tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split
the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that
cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good
thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that
out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger
than its brain.
( I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot
longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once,
it's your turn to spread these crazy
facts and
send this to someone you want to bring a
smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone!
(love that pig!)

:rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## Heather (Feb 18, 2008)

I was born in the year of the pig...does that count?


----------



## goldenrose (Mar 27, 2008)

It's not quite a joke but it made me laugh!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: 

 means a smile and 

 is a frown. 

Sometimes these are represented by 

 

:-( 

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?' 
Here goes: 

(_!_) a regular ass 

(__!__) a fat ass 

(!) a tight ass 

(_*_) a sore ass 

{_!_} a swishy ass 


(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass 

(_X_) leave my ass alone 

(_zzz_) a tired ass 

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass 

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass 

(_?_) Dumb Ass 

You have just been e-mooned! Send 
this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail. 

This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad luck.
But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?


----------



## SlipperFan (Mar 27, 2008)

Pretty cool!


----------



## paphioboy (May 31, 2008)

*Men Never Listen!!*

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. ' Sir', she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He cou ldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its
pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. He was immediately knocked out by an excruciating pain.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.'
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles ar e now in this jar, sir.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN, DO THEY?

:rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## goldenrose (Jun 2, 2008)

an oldie but goodie!


----------



## NYEric (Jun 2, 2008)

Subject: New Diet





- 
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy
rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty
stir fry?'

He declines again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . . .
I'm still not hungry.' . . . . 

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'


----------



## Gilda (Jun 2, 2008)

paphioboy said:


> In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made
> MEN NEVER LISTEN, DO THEY?
> 
> :rollhappy::rollhappy:



:clap::clap: Made my day !


----------



## paphioboy (Jun 21, 2008)

*Joke of the year.*

Her nine-year-old son comes home 
unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers 
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to 
watch. 

Then the woman's husband 
unexpectedly comes home. 

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. 

The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.' 
The Man says: 'Yes, it is.' 
Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want 
to buy it?' 
Man: 'No, thanks.' 
Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!' 
Man: 'OK, how much?' 
Boy: '$1,000.' 

A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the 
cupboard together again. 

Boy: 'Dark in here.' 
Man: 'Yes, it is.' 
Boy: 'I have soccer boots.' 
The Man, remembering the last time, 
asks the boy: 'How much?' 
The Boy says:'$5,000.' 
The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.' 

A few days later, the Father says to 
the boy: 
'Grab your ball and boots, 
let's go outside and have a game.' 
The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them 
for$ 6,000.' 
The Father says: 'That's terrible to 
overcharge your friends like 
that... $ 6,000 is way more than those 
two things cost. 

I'm going to take you to church 
and make you confess your 'SINS.' 

They go to church and the father makes 
the little boy sit in the 
confession booth and he closes the 
door. 

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.' 

The Priest says: 'Don't start that 
again!' 

THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR 
FATHER'S HOUSE ! 

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## NYEric (Jun 21, 2008)

You will burn nicely! :evil:


----------



## goldenrose (Nov 17, 2010)

*Here's a new one!*

Time to restart this thread - we all need a little laughter!

I've Got Your Mama!

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. 
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
______________________________
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. 
Your friend, Carol 


Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
______________________________ 
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
______________________________ 

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol


Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

________________________________ 
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO


----------



## orcoholic (Nov 17, 2010)

Due to the increasing number of bear attacks lately, the parks dept. decided to start a program for all hikers to help them avoid bears.

The instructor started by advising the group that as a matter of last resort, in case a bear actually attacks, they should always carry pepper spray. 

In addition theyd should never get between a mother bear and her cubs. 

As a primary precaution the hikers should wear some type of warning device, such as bells, so the bears could hear them approaching and they would never surprise a bear.

They were also advised that bears a very territorial and they should be able to identify what type of bear was in the area by a bears poop. 

A brown bear's poop would be well formed and contain lots of berries and other types of fruit. A grizzly bear's poop smells like pepper and has a lot of bells in it.


----------



## Kavanaru (Nov 17, 2010)

orcoholic said:


> A grizzly bear's poop smells like pepper and has a lot of bells in it.


:rollhappy:


----------



## goldenrose (Nov 17, 2010)

:clap::clap: good addition to the thread orcoholic!


----------



## nikv (Nov 17, 2010)

A very naive young man joins the seminery and is eventually ordained a Catholic priest. After being ordained, Father O'Malley is assigned to his first parish which happens to be in the big city. Being very excited about his first parish, he decides to walk about town visiting his parishioners on Saturday afternoon. 

As it's getting dark, he looks at his watch and realizes that it's quite late. He hasn't yet written out his sermon for Sunday Mass. He starts hurrying back to his parish which takes him through the center of the red light district. Having a slow night, a lady-of-the-evening says to him "Father, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a BJ for twenty bucks!". 

Flabergasted (and not knowing what she meant), he says nothing and walks even faster back to his church. Thinking things through, he realizes that if he's gonna do a good job as a priest, he needs to understand the world around him. 

"Who was that strange lady?" "What is a BJ?" "Why does it cost twenty bucks?" 

As he enters the vestibule of the church, he sees Sister Maria and decides to ask her.

"Sister, what's a BJ?". 

And without missing a beat, she replies: "Twenty bucks, same as Downtown".

* * *

Yes, I learned that one in Catholic school decades ago!


----------



## Kavanaru (Nov 17, 2010)

nikv said:


> A very naive young man joins the seminery and is eventually ordained a Catholic priest. After being ordained, Father O'Malley is assigned to his first parish which happens to be in the big city. Being very excited about his first parish, he decides to walk about town visiting his parishioners on Saturday afternoon.
> 
> As it's getting dark, he looks at his watch and realizes that it's quite late. He hasn't yet written out his sermon for Sunday Mass. He starts hurrying back to his parish which takes him through the center of the red light district. Having a slow night, a lady-of-the-evening says to him "Father, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a BJ for twenty bucks!".
> 
> ...



LOL it was the same joke at our catholic school also few years ago :rollhappy: but at my time, inflation was already important and BJs were more expensive!


----------



## Kavanaru (Nov 17, 2010)

*The importance of good spelling..*

just to learn how important it is to teach our kids the importance of good orthography!


----------



## nikv (Nov 17, 2010)

Okay, this is another oldie but goody that I first heard back in the 70's. It could probably be updated to the Clinton, Bush, or Obama administrations as you see fit.

* * * 

One cold January day, Richard Nixon looked out the window of the Oval Office to see that someone had urinated in the snow. Upon closer inspection, he could see that someone spelled out NIXON SUCKS in the snow. Outraged, Nixon called in the FBI to investigate. 

The next day, the FBI Director comes to the White House to report his findings. 

"I have good news and bad news for you, Mr President". 

"Let's have the good news first", Nixon says.

"The urinalysis indicates that the sample belongs to Henry Kissinger". 

Horrified, Nixon says "That's the good news? What's the bad news?".

"Further analysis indicates that the handwriting belongs to your wife, Pat".


----------



## Eric Muehlbauer (Nov 17, 2010)

A classic! Actually, that joke goes way back...originating as an Appalachian folktale. Here is what I remember from the original.
Father complains to his wife about seeing his daughter's name written in the snow in urine. Says he doesn't want her boyfriend coming around again. The wife objects, thinking that it was a sweet gesture...but the father replies "It was in her handwriting!"


----------



## NYEric (Nov 18, 2010)

I love these!


----------



## goldenrose (Nov 18, 2010)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy: more good ones, I'm glad I started this back up!


----------



## Hera (Nov 18, 2010)

Awesome thread.:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy::clap::clap:


----------



## Ernie (Nov 18, 2010)

Enough banter, more jokes!


----------



## Shiva (Nov 19, 2010)

I remember a story I had to translate several years ago for french newspapers.

It was about a woman who had written a letter to her municipality asking for a deer crossing road sign to be moved. She claimed that the actual site of the deer crossing was too dangerous as most cars were going too fast in the area. Then she suggested another place where the deer could cross with a lesser risk to be run over. I still wonder if the deer crossing sign was actually moved. It probably was a false news report. But still very funny. :rollhappy:

Michel


----------



## goldenrose (Nov 19, 2010)

Ernie said:


> Enough banter, more jokes!


Right! -
Where's yours, don't you have one? oke:


----------



## NYEric (Nov 19, 2010)

I don't know whether to be more or less upset that I work for the government.  


Cage of Monkeys 

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. 

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another Monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. 

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the Stairs. 

To his shock, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted. 

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. 

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. 

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. 

Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. 

Why not? 

Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here. 

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how Government operates....


----------



## Kavanaru (Nov 19, 2010)

Shiva said:


> I remember a story I had to translate several years ago for french newspapers.
> 
> It was about a woman who had written a letter to her municipality asking for a deer crossing road sign to be moved. She claimed that the actual site of the deer crossing was too dangerous as most cars were going too fast in the area. Then she suggested another place where the deer could cross with a lesser risk to be run over. I still wonder if the deer crossing sign was actually moved. It probably was a false news report. But still very funny. :rollhappy:
> 
> Michel



:rollhappy: That reminds me when I was working as tutor of foreign student in Germany... I had a student from Senegal who said that Germans were so strict and had everything so much under control, that at the highways they had very clearly stated where animals could cross and one should respect that. She based her comment on signs like the one here, and indicated that in this case, animals had only 3 Km to cross over the roads... I had to smile, and told her that this was not the meaning of that sign. That she knew how good Germans were in hunting and how proud they were when achiving something important. and that the real meaning of the sign was that at that point someone had killed a 3Km big deer... I still think I should have recorded her face at the moment when completely in shock she said that she did not know deer could be so big in Europe! :rollhappy:


----------



## Hera (Nov 19, 2010)

NYEric said:


> Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
> 
> Why not?
> 
> ...



Not just the Government,,,,,that's every job I've ever worked.oke:


----------



## Ray (Nov 19, 2010)

*Hot to give a cat a pill.*

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

6. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

7. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

8. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

9. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

10. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

11. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. 




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


----------



## Shiva (Nov 19, 2010)

Fortunately, I never had that much trouble with my cats... but then again, I never had to give them a pill. Hilarious! :rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy: :rollhappy:


----------



## luvsorchids (Nov 19, 2010)

*Kiss and Slap*

A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. 

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other flirtatious looks. 

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. 

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." 

The general manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" 

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" 

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!"


----------



## nikv (Nov 23, 2010)

A United Auto Workers union member happens to be in Las Vegas to attend a union meeting. He decides to take advantage of one of the legal brothels in the state of Nevada. Being a strong advocate of unions, he wants to make sure that he uses a unionized brothel. He goes to the first brothel and asks the madame how much they charge and whether the girls belong to a union. One hundred dollars, she says and no, they are not unionized. And of that hundred dollars, how much goes to the girl and how much goes to the house? Twenty goes to the girl and eighty to the house, she tells him. 

Disappointed, the man leaves and goes to the next brothel. He once again asks the rate and whether or not they are unionized. The madame replies that the rate is $100 (eighty going to the house and twenty going to the girl) and that they are not unionized. 

He again leaves and goes to the next brothel. When he enters the main room, he sees that it's filled with lots of beautiful young women and one older woman seated in the corner. He once again asks the madame whether or not the brothel is unionized. 

"Why yes we are!", she declares. "We charge 100 dollars, with eighty going to the girl and twenty going to the house". 

"Great! That is much more fair.", he says. He hands her a hundred dollar bill and says "I'd like that cute little blonde over there". 

The madame replies "I'm sure you would, sir. But this is a union shop." She then points to the old lady seated in the corner. "Ethel over there is next in line and she has over fifty years seniority". . . . .


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## orcoholic (Nov 23, 2010)

A guy goes into a house of ill repute. He slaps $10 on the counter and asks "What does that get me?"

The madame says "Not much". Go to the second door on the left.

Upon entering, he sees a chicken. He's really horny, so he figures what the heck and has his way with it.

The next night he returns and slaps down $5. The madame eyes him and sends him to the third door on the left. There's a few chairs, another few other guys, and a stage. In a few minutes the curtain pulls back and there's a guy doing it with a cow.

After a few minutes of watching the man turns to the guy nest to him and says "Ya know, this ain't bad."

The other guy replies, "Yo shoulda been here last night. There was some guy doin it with a chicken!"


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## Hera (Nov 23, 2010)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to
the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a
hole, the other girl filling it in again. 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you
two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a
hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' 

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl
who plants the trees called in sick.


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## Ernie (Dec 23, 2010)

Three moms are talking about their teenage daughters and the woes of motherhood...
Brunette mom says: I found a pack of cigarettes under my daughter's bed. I'm so disappointed, I didn't know she smoked.
Red head mom says: Tell me about it. I found some booze in my daughter's room. I had no idea she drank.
Blonde mom says: That's nothing! I found a box of condoms in my daughter's dresser. And I _never _knew she had a penis.

:rollhappy:


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## tenman (Dec 23, 2010)

Two blondes walk into a building.

Geesh, you'd think ONE of them would've seen it!


----------



## Shiva (Dec 23, 2010)

A man sees a neighbour blonde sitting on a chair on her porch. She's got both legs and one arm in plaster casts. She has a medical patch over one eye, a neck brace, several contusions on her exposed skin and a couple of teeth are missing.
''What the heck happened to you?'' he asks.
''I fell hard raking the leaves!''
''How can you fall this bad raking leaves?''
''I couldn't wait and went up the tree to rake them...'' explains the blonde.


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## Ron-NY (Dec 23, 2010)

The zombie girl asked her mom: "Mom, do I have daddies eyes?" The mother replied: "yes dear, now eat them before they get cold." :sob::sob:


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## tenman (Dec 23, 2010)

Three women walk into a bar with their dogs in tow and seat themselves at the bar. The bartender comes up, clucking, saying "Now ladies, you know I can't allow those dogs in here". Well, the women start whining and crabbing and finally he waves them to silence. "Ok, ok, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna take your dogs one at a time into the back, where I keep mine. If I can tell you what you do for a living when I come back with your dog, you have to leave." The women look at each other and back at the bartender and confidently agree to his deal. 

So he takes the first dog back and is gone for a few minutes and then comes out smiling, with the dog in tow. He walks up to the dog's owner and says, "You're an architect."

She looks stunned, murmurs "How did you know?"

"Well, I took your dog back there and gave him some dog biscuits and he rearranged them like a floor plan." He smiles, and waves at her, "See ya!" She reluctantly gets up, takes her dog, and leaves.

Then he repeats the process with the second dog. When he returns, he tells the second woman, "You're a doctor."

And she says, "Why that's amazing! How did you find out?"

"I gave your dog some dog biscuits and he rearranged them into the shape of a skeleton. Have a nice night!" He smiles and waves her off. Flustered, she leaves.

Finally, as he is walking the last dog back, the remaining woman laughs and says, "There's no way you're gonna figure out what I do for a living."

He takes the dog back, and is gone a good deal longer than the first two times. She hears some dog noises and finally is relieved when he comes back with her dog. He hands her the leash and says, "You're a waitress."

She is utterly floored. "How?" Is all the answer she can muster.

The bartender grins and explains, "I took your dog back and gave him some dog biscuits. He ground them up and snorted them, tried to hump all the other dogs, and asked to go home early."



[It's funnier if you've ever worked in a restaurant]


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## Bolero (Dec 24, 2010)

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage,
I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman
earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box 
under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out 
the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one
cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been
drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee 
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on 
the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that 

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water 
and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really 
baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for 
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I 
can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


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## Ray (Dec 24, 2010)

A blond woman is zipping along in her convertible sports car, and gets pulled over by a police woman, who also happens to be a blond.

"Drivers license, please." she says to the driver, who starts rummaging around in her purse. After a few frustrating minutes, the driver asks "What does it look like?"

"It's square and has your picture on it."

After a few more minutes, the driver pulls out a mirror, looks at it for a second, then hands it to the officer.

"Oh!" she exclaims. "You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop, too."


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## tenman (Dec 24, 2010)

Ray said:


> A blond woman is zipping along in her convertible sports car, and gets pulled over by a police woman, who also happens to be a blond.
> 
> "Drivers license, please." she says to the driver, who starts rummaging around in her purse. After a few frustrating minutes, the driver asks "What does it look like?"
> 
> ...



Great one, Ray! Thanks for the larfs!


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## Shiva (Jan 2, 2011)

*Totally lost in translation!*

From New Scientist magazine.
DO YOU enjoy eating cabbages? We're not sure whether the teenager known online as binarypigeon does, but her mother tells us that when she wanted to test the limitations of online automatic translation systems, she typed the phrase "I enjoy eating cabbages" into one. She told it to translate this into Japanese - and then translate the resulting phrase back into English, and then translate that to another language, and then back to English, and so on.

After approximately 20 such translations, binarypigeon's simple statement had turned into: "Therefore, that is eaten because of possibility of fact of thing of possible possibility, designated that and that of a certain specification regarding that reason being shown it becomes, is inferred or as been, because either one types, whether it has been shown the fact that possibility should do my cabbage to that of the reason of this type, either one should enjoy some dependence of the range hypothesis our appointments which are shown, whether, these of appointment of the appointment which is shown are done."


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## orcoholic (Jan 3, 2011)

A man walks into a bar with his dog. He tells the bartender that his dog can talk. The bartender says that if the dog can really talk he can drink all night for free.

The man asks his dog "What's above your head?". The dog grunts "Roof". The bartender isn't impressed - every dog says roof.

The man then asks his dog "What does sandpaper feel like?" The dog grunts "Ruff". Again the bartender claims any dog can bark ruff, and thus no free drinks.

The man then asks his dog " Who was the greatest baseball player ever" The dog snorts "Ruff". The bartender is fed up and kicks them both out of the bar.

As they're leaving, the dog looks up at his master and says "DiMaggio??"


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## Shiva (Jan 28, 2011)

Just remembered this Monty Python gag today talking to Darin. Whatever your troubles, there are always worse off than you.

http://xmb.stuffucanuse.com/xmb/viewthread.php?tid=2938


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## Hera (Jan 28, 2011)

Why don't lawyers take Viagra?

It just makes them taller.


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## goldenrose (Feb 8, 2011)

Here's something I've not seen/heard! 
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/paul-zerdin-ventriloquist-without-dummy-p1.php


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## NYEric (Mar 1, 2011)

Not a joke but...
Subject: Fw: True Lawyer Story

Of course it happened in Charlotte, but the lawyer moved here
from New York.



Subject: True Lawyer Story



SUBJECT: BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND
POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer
purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against,
among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of
these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the Insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a
series of small fires.' The Insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the Insurance
company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that
the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and
was obligated to pay the claim.


Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
Insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company
had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. )))


This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal
Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ...
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD
THINKS WE'RE NUTS


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## goldenrose (Mar 1, 2011)

:rollhappy::rollhappy:
...what goes around, comes around ......
to bite you in the @$$ big time! :clap::clap:


----------



## Hera (Mar 1, 2011)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy::clap::clap::clap:

That was great!!!


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## Shiva (Mar 1, 2011)

Eric, I'm left with two questions: Does it means that the lawyer has a criminal file from now on and if so, can he still practice law in the U.S.?


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## NYEric (Mar 1, 2011)

Yes and yes.


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## luvsorchids (Mar 1, 2011)

Very funny, and I hate to call B.S., but.....

http://www.breakthechain.org/exclusives/cigars.html

oke:

Susan


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## goldenrose (Mar 1, 2011)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy: don't we just love being taken!!!
I was entertained, how about you?


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## SlipperFan (Mar 1, 2011)

It smelled of being snopsed right away.


----------



## NYEric (Mar 1, 2011)

Funny anyway.


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## goldenrose (Apr 17, 2011)

*Seniors*

This was passed on to me by a ST member Lil'frog, mad me laugh this morning!

The Hotel Bill 

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels. 

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. 

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." 

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. 

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: 
"The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." 

"But I didn't use them," she said. 

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. 

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said. 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. 

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00." 

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager. 

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 

Don't mess with Senior Citizens!:rollhappy:


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## SlipperFan (Apr 17, 2011)

Very good!:rollhappy:


----------



## NYEric (Apr 18, 2011)




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## Heather (Jun 23, 2011)

Just heard this at work, cracked me up. 

Chinese Joke: 
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem more American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.


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## SlipperFan (Jun 23, 2011)

:rollhappy:


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## cnycharles (Oct 13, 2011)

sorry, not really a joke, but..

question: If you are standing on a street corner in an american city, how can you tell who is a devout socialist?

answer: they are the ones leading the riots

'day of rage' (look out)

(btw, i'm not a socialist; i'm a general run of the mill capitalist)


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## Ray (Oct 13, 2011)

As you may know, in China, it's surname followed by initials.

I had a guy working for me in Hong Kong - Stanley Fu - whose full name was Fu Chi Kuan. He loved coming here and signing his name...


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## Lanmark (Oct 14, 2011)

cnycharles said:


> sorry, not really a joke, but..
> 
> question: If you are standing on a street corner in an american city, how can you tell who is a devout socialist?
> 
> ...


Ne réveillez pas le chat qui dort 

Question: How can you tell who the capitalists are?

Answer: They are the ones getting bailed out by the government's program of socialism for the rich, a program which comes at the expense of everyone else. Take Wall Street for example...

It's not really a joke either.

A visitor from out of town took a guided tour of Manhattan. Near the end of the tour the guide took the visitor to the financial district, and when they arrived at Battery Park the guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchored there.

The guide said with a flourish, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

oke:


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## cnycharles (Oct 14, 2011)

lanmark, in your joke, you say that the capitalists are getting bailed out by the govt. for their rich socialists tea party... then it's not logical and it's 'rich socialists' who are getting bailed out (smile). us general run of the mill capitalists know that the big banks and financiers etc are not capitalists; if they were, they would be allowed to fail (in a capitalist society nobody would be protected) and a better business would take their place.

point is, beware of leaping before looking and knowing what you are getting yourself into. there are too many cats and dogs in the u.s. sleeping their lives away in front of their big screen or above their smartphone, and people need to be careful


----------



## Lanmark (Oct 14, 2011)

cnycharles said:


> lanmark, in your joke, you say that the capitalists are getting bailed out by the govt. for their rich socialists tea party... then it's not logical and it's 'rich socialists' who are getting bailed out (smile). us general run of the mill capitalists know that the big banks and financiers etc are not capitalists; if they were, they would be allowed to fail (in a capitalist society nobody would be protected) and a better business would take their place.
> 
> point is, beware of leaping before looking and knowing what you are getting yourself into. there are too many cats and dogs in the u.s. sleeping their lives away in front of their big screen or above their smartphone, and people need to be careful



definition of specious:

1. apparently good or right though lacking real merit; superficially pleasing or plausible: specious arguments.
2. pleasing to the eye but deceptive.

Never did I mention the words Tea Party, but you are right: what happened with the bailout is senseless! You should know, however, that socialism is not a dirty word. True democracy cannot exist without socialism as one of its core components, but capitalism can indeed exist without a shred of democracy. Just take a look at the history of Pinochet in Chile. There are a lot of specious things in this world including, but not limited to, the delusion that wanton, uncontrolled greed and deregulated competition is a thing of purity and the answer to all our woes as many tea-swilling and libertarian Americans today believe it to be.

Speaking of specious, I just love this little flash video. It never fails to make me smile, and smiles, after all, are what this thread is about! :wink:
http://www.xenu.net/flash/specious.swf

Also, I'd like to end this post with a favorite limerick of mine, just for giggles!

A lady who called herself Kat
Bore triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat
She quite enjoyed the breeding
But agonized o'er the feeding
'Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat

:rollhappy:


----------



## cnycharles (Oct 14, 2011)

I didn't mention the 'Tea Party', if you will read, you will notice 'tea party' in lower case, which means a frivolous and mindless event and not the more recently organized group of people who are disgusted with politics and etc in the u.s. . I'm not sure why you feel you are poking me, I am a general citizen of this country. if you want to mock the politics and morals of this country, feel free! I agree that much here is lacking. The point that the whole sit-in in new york and washington (for the moment) is rather specious or frivolous in itself (smile), unless there is real intent behind those who are organizing. 

Socialism in itself has already proven itself to be a failture. Where is the true socialist society of today (or yesterday) that has shown itself to be a success?True capitalism and democracy, do not exist in the united states. ..nor anywhere. so,.. your points about frivolity and speciosity are in themselves specious! :rollhappy: Even in the days of 'rampant communism', those societies were also not truly communistic; more dictatorships. all societies are a mix of this and that, depending on the wants of the governing bodies. if you feel that you are poking the general state of the u.s. then again feel free. but if you feel that you are poking me as a rampant capitalist or whatever, then your limericks are far from the point, and marginalize the author (or contributor). but, orchid growers including myself can often be categorized as being 'pretty out there'  Claiming that any one social, political or economic idea or theory is 'the one to have' or 'superior' to others and seeking to denigrate others, is the epitome of speciosity

again, the point is that people should make sure that they are careful before they join groups that they don't know the motives behind the organizers. you seem to want to ignore that point, that in general people don't often know what they are getting themselves into, whether it is politics, business, jobs, relationships etc or whatever. seeking why and how things are happening is what a true citizen should do, not just follow the crowd if you're pissed off. the history channel is chock-full of millions who have died for just such a blind action. I work with many bosnians, and they will tell you very quickly that this is what happened in their country, and if you described the situation to people of other countries who have been torn apart by civil wars (check out africa - recent and past history) because people who normally lived side-by-side were incited by those who wanted to seek power, so sought those who were disenfranchised and stirred the pot, if they then realized what was happening they would say 'beware' very quickly. actually, one of my (bosnian/now a u.s. citizen) co-workers has already mentioned to me that what is happening in the u.s. right now makes him very nervous


----------



## Lanmark (Oct 14, 2011)

cnycharles said:


> I didn't mention the 'Tea Party', if you will read, you will notice 'tea party' in lower case, which means a frivolous and mindless event and not the more recently organized group of people who are disgusted with politics and etc in the u.s. . I'm not sure why you feel you are poking me, I am a general citizen of this country. if you want to mock the politics and morals of this country, feel free! I agree that much here is lacking. The point that the whole sit-in in new york and washington (for the moment) is rather specious or frivolous in itself (smile), unless there is real intent behind those who are organizing.
> 
> Socialism in itself has already proven itself to be a failture. Where is the true socialist society of today (or yesterday) that has shown itself to be a success?True capitalism and democracy, do not exist in the united states. ..nor anywhere. so,.. your points about frivolity and speciosity are in themselves specious! :rollhappy: Even in the days of 'rampant communism', those societies were also not truly communistic; more dictatorships. all societies are a mix of this and that, depending on the wants of the governing bodies. if you feel that you are poking the general state of the u.s. then again feel free. but if you feel that you are poking me as a rampant capitalist or whatever, then your limericks are far from the point, and marginalize the author (or contributor). but, orchid growers including myself can often be categorized as being 'pretty out there'  Claiming that any one social, political or economic idea or theory is 'the one to have' or 'superior' to others and seeking to denigrate others, is the epitome of speciosity
> 
> again, the point is that people should make sure that they are careful before they join groups that they don't know the motives behind the organizers. you seem to want to ignore that point, that in general people don't often know what they are getting themselves into, whether it is politics, business, jobs, relationships etc or whatever. seeking why and how things are happening is what a true citizen should do, not just follow the crowd if you're pissed off. the history channel is chock-full of millions who have died for just such a blind action. I work with many bosnians, and they will tell you very quickly that this is what happened in their country, and if you described the situation to people of other countries who have been torn apart by civil wars (check out africa - recent and past history) because people who normally lived side-by-side were incited by those who wanted to seek power, so sought those who were disenfranchised and stirred the pot, if they then realized what was happening they would say 'beware' very quickly. actually, one of my (bosnian/now a u.s. citizen) co-workers has already mentioned to me that what is happening in the u.s. right now makes him very nervous


My limerick was simply a limerick. Don't be paranoid. It was not "directed" at you. It was here for the simple fact that this is the joke thread. The sole point of my other comments is that I didn't appreciate your ugly, small-minded comments against socialists, and I was not about to sit silently by while you mischaracterized and maligned an entire group of people in the thin guise of humor -- hence my comment about not waking the sleeping cat. I am that cat. You started it. I will end it.

I, too, am a citizen of the USA, but I support the principles of social democracy. I do not support capitalism as it exists today in the USA. I do not support the current trend toward plutocracy. The gilded age is in the past and must never be allowed to return. I, too, am a capitalist but one who believes in the rules of fair trade, consumer protections, workers' rights, civil liberties, civil rights, progressive taxation, social responsibility and a social net.

I am careful about my beliefs and about my investments. I am well-educated with a Masters Degree, and I'm not one to follow the latest political fads on a whim. I capitalize my sentences and use punctuation too. I also grow orchids. I am successful in life and financially comfortable today, but over the past three years I've lost $600K in stock values. Another $500K was stolen from me in what is now a notorious Wall Street investment fund ponzi scheme. My not-inconsiderable decreases in incomes from my asset investments over the past three years total $122K to date and counting.

Am I pissed off? You bet I am! Will I sit idly by and shut up about it? No!

I still own stocks. I still have IRA accounts. I still have bonds. I still have certificates of deposit. I still have other investments. I still own real estate and automobiles, and I have zero outstanding debt. My credit cards are paid in full each month. I don't work due to illness these days, but I am financially comfortable. I could be much worse off, and I could be much better.

I've been here for over five decades and I know a thing or two about history. This is not Bosnia. This is the United States of America on the path to becoming something I no longer recognize. Cast aspersions on those with the guts and integrity to stand up against Wall Street and protest the disgusting corruption therein, and I will take you to task in a heartbeat every single time. Aside from that I respect you in every way.

Now let's get back to telling jokes, and kindly keep the snide anti-socialist political comments out of this particular thread. oke:

A Limerick get laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical. :clap:


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## nikv (Oct 14, 2011)

The last few posts reminded me of this quotation:

"Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks."

With that said, I would prefer to keep politics off this forum. Everyone's viewpoint is different and everyone thinks their viewpoint is the most valid one. Enough said. 

Enough about politics, let's now talk religion. 

A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk were on a train . . . . . 

Oh, I better not. :wink:


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## cnycharles (Oct 14, 2011)

I welcome people's opinions, and don't call them a holes when they differ from mine. I'm glad that we live, or at least the server that houses this forum, lives in the united states. We are able to exchange ideas and opinions at will, freely. I don't take any upset from these posts, and none were made to be personally directed. I did make the mistake of being too general in my 'joke' using a very broad term 'socialist', and also in my broad self-description as being 'capitalist'. I'm not a true capitalist, but a member of a country that allows someone to have a business which I'm happy about. I see that many like me who are middle-class may soon become the minority. I can recognize that many people are tired of being taken by thieves, in that we are all in agreement. I also agree with many of Lanmark's self-describing statements. My point still is that people should be very careful about what they get themselves into, and I'm not directing messages personally to anyone. I welcome the free exchange of ideas, and hope that whatever becomes of our country in the future, we all retain the right and ability to express these ideas without ending up in jail or dead. You are right that this isn't Bosnia, but as you say, it's not the United States that it used to be, and is pretty firmly being directed by extremely well-financed forces to whatever direction they want. Bosnia wasn't a Bosnia until things were bad and someone wanted to stir the pot for their own personal glory and greed. This country could very quickly become something that none of us may ever recognize. Would you ever think that people would run around massacring thousands to intimidate and such in this country? It's happened at least twice during the Revolutionary war and before the Civil War. Things change very quickly and this is already not the country that used to be, and don't believe for a second that anything that has happened somewhere else in the world couldn't happen here.
I don't oppose anyone's desire to have a personal belief, and my words weren't directed against them from doing something they believe; if you believe it will help and you know all the players involved, then God Speed. If you don't know, then be careful.


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## Lanmark (Oct 14, 2011)

Fair enough :wink: I don't see you as an a-hole. I respect your opinions and your right to have them. I'm also grateful we have the right to public assembly, free speech and dissent here in this nation. I happen to see those who are currently occupying Wall Street expressing their outrage as a group of courageous and honorable individuals, but I'd much rather talk about orchids and exchange jokes and humorous anecdotes any day. 

What do you call two young married spiders?

Newlywebs. 


A toddler was caught chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent asked, "Well, what does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply. :evil:


----------



## paphioboy (Oct 15, 2011)

This is 
the most civil way to have a fight between a husband and wife
instead of 
resorting to physical force... 


Poems written by WIFE and 
HUSBAND.


WIFE: 

When I wrote your name on sand, it got washed away. 
When I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. 
When I wrote your name in my heart, I got a Heart Attack. 


HUSBAND: 

God saw me hungry, he created pizza. 
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. 
He saw me in the dark, he created light. 
He saw me without problems, he created YOU. 

WIFE: 

Twinkle twinkle little star 
You should know what you are 
And once you know what you are 
Mental hospital is not so far 

HUSBAND: 

The rain makes all things beautiful. 
The grass and flowers too. 
If rain makes all things beautiful 
Why doesn't it rain on you? 

WIFE: 
Roses are red; Violets are blue
A monkey like u should be kept in the zoo. 
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too 
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you


AND 
THE SAGA CONTINUES........

A Husband Is just like a Split Air Con
No matter how Loud he is outdoors
He is designed to remain Silent indoors...

....................................................................
"A Husband 
is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck,
and whichever way she turns, the head follows."
.......................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, 
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
................................................................

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
..................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
...................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount 
Everest ?
Husband: A little Push...!

and life goes on.......


----------



## Clark (Oct 15, 2011)




----------



## Kavanaru (Oct 15, 2011)

Lanmark said:


> A toddler was caught chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent asked, "Well, what does it taste like?"
> "Worms," was the reply. :evil:



LOL I need to send this one to my niece (now, 29J) she was a big fan of eating cockroaches and bugs when she was a little girl... LOL


----------



## Lanmark (Oct 15, 2011)

Q. What do you call it when worms take over the world?





A. Global Worming.


----------



## Shiva (Oct 15, 2011)

I had a dream once of green alien fishes taking over the world. They were litterally dressed to the nines with smokings, monocle in the eye, gray striped pants well pressed and glossy black top hats. They were smoking cigarettes with cigarette holders. Gold watches in their side pocket with matching chain. One had put a fin casually in his breast pocket.
I remember thinking in my dream ''If they can do better with the planet, they can have it!'' 
First and only time in my life I woke up laughing hysterically. :rollhappy:
And no, I didn't take any funny stuff before going to bed.


----------



## Kavanaru (Oct 16, 2011)

With the help of modern medicine a 65j lady could become pregnant and get a baby. Once back from the hospital with her newly born all her relatives and friends wanted to see the wonder baby. 
-"where is the baby? Can we see him?"
-'no, not now!'
Few hours later
-"can we see the baby now?"
-'no, not yet!'
Few hours later
-"can we see him now?"
-'no, not yet, I said"
-"but why not? Is he sleeping?"
-'you need to wait until he starts crying! I cannot remeqmber where I put him!'


----------



## Eric Muehlbauer (Oct 16, 2011)

3 old men were talking. They were all complaining about how their bodies start to fail them in old age. The 60 year old complained about urination. It was so hard for him to do. He always felt he had to go, but he always had problems when he did it. The 70 year old complained about his regularity. He was always constipated. The 80 year old said he was worse than either of them. They asked him how. He told them "I pee like clockwork every morning at 6:00. Then I always take a dump at 7:00, every day." They couldn't understand why he was complaining, until he said "I don't get up until 8."


----------



## goldenrose (Oct 17, 2011)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## NYEric (Oct 17, 2011)

Visiting a barber 
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. 

"And what if I swallow it?" 

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." 

 EWWWWW!


----------



## SlipperFan (Oct 17, 2011)

Oh, that's bad!!!


----------



## Dido (Oct 18, 2011)

All this joke on the last pages are great. 

Have to translate on


----------



## Lanmark (Oct 19, 2011)

What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?



Shake hands.


----------



## goldenrose (Oct 19, 2011)

:rollhappy::rollhappy: very cute!
I'm glad to see this thread activated!


----------



## Lanmark (Oct 19, 2011)

Blue Joke Alert... :evil:

While walking through the woods one day a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."


----------



## cnycharles (Oct 22, 2011)

(heard on radio this morning)

one man was bragging to another about the strength of his family tree and proclaimed to another, "I once had a great-grandfather who was so strong, he could drive a stagecoach with no wheels on it!"
other: "That's perposterous; what held the stagecoach up?"


"Bandits!" :rollhappy: :rollhappy:

(I didn't say it was a good joke  )


----------



## Shiva (Oct 25, 2011)

How time flies:


----------



## Dido (Oct 27, 2011)

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart 


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who 
is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day 
and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and 
winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and 
that's why I am the greatest!" 



























Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to 
say something.


----------



## NYEric (Oct 27, 2011)

MEN!!!!




One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' 

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !' 

And they say blondes are dumb.... 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------- 



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...' 

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you..... '. 
------------ --------- -------



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- 
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? 

A: A rumor ------------



--------- --------- --------- ---- 
Dear Lord, 
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. 
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. 

AMEN 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


Q: Why do little boys whine? 

A: They are practicing to be men. 



------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? 

A: Trustworthy. . 


------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---



Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? 

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- 
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---



While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……... 

………….Then He made the earth round.


----------



## Lanmark (Oct 29, 2011)

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and softdrinks in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little ****'s name is Kevin."


----------



## Ray (Oct 29, 2011)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.. 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


----------



## cnycharles (Oct 31, 2011)

just sent to me via email (I'm no good at remembering my own jokes) 

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" 

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken." 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."


----------



## Dido (Nov 8, 2011)

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN 

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to 
my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' 

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you 
to use the word fascinate not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to 
see Rock City and was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, 
that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 
'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher 
hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 
'fascinate', so she called on him 

.Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten 
buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' 

The teacher sat down and cried.


----------



## SlipperFan (Nov 8, 2011)

Speaking of word games:


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.


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## paphioboy (Nov 12, 2011)

Just a tap on the shoulder

A passenger in a hired limousine leaned over to ask the driver for the time and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver shrieked, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the limousine. Then the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 year.


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## Kavanaru (Nov 12, 2011)

From a friend in Fb:
'I was explaining to my boss last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".'


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## Shiva (Nov 12, 2011)

Dot's post remind me a favourite hockey joke.

There's this player explaining to a journalist all the wounds he suffered during his carreer. Head injuries, shoulder injuries, knee injuries ans so on...the player answered in details.
So the journalist asked him: ''Where were you hurt the most?''
The answer: ''In Chicago!''


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## SlipperFan (Nov 12, 2011)

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"


----------



## Shiva (Nov 13, 2011)

A man is sitting quietly watching TV and his wife comes up from behind…
*Wham!* She hits him on the head with a frying pan.
‘’What the heck is wrong with you? Are you nuts?’’
-I found this piece of paper in your jeans: *Mary 985-438-1100!*
-You got it all wrong dear : Mary is the name of the horse, 9 is the race number, 85 is my bet and 43 the number on the horse, 8 is the guy I placed the bet with and 1100 is the time of the race…
-Oh! Sorry about that dear.’’
Two days later: *Wham!* The man is hit again on the head with the frying pan.
‘’What is it now?’’
- Your horse is on the phone!’’


----------



## Yoyo_Jo (Nov 23, 2011)

I nearly snorted my coffee this morning when I read the following in the new Stokes seed catalogue:

"Transonic Bug Chaser...With a 1500 sq ft/139 sq m coverage area, flying and crawling insects in your basement, garage, kitchen or _panty_ are a thing of the past." :rollhappy:


----------



## Jorch (Nov 23, 2011)

Yoyo_Jo said:


> I nearly snorted my coffee this morning when I read the following in the new Stokes seed catalogue:
> 
> "Transonic Bug Chaser...With a 1500 sq ft/139 sq m coverage area, flying and crawling insects in your basement, garage, kitchen or _panty_ are a thing of the past." :rollhappy:




:rollhappy: LOL that's a pretty embarassing typo!! :evil:


----------



## Lanmark (Nov 23, 2011)

Yoyo_Jo said:


> I nearly snorted my coffee this morning when I read the following in the new Stokes seed catalogue:
> 
> "Transonic Bug Chaser...With a 1500 sq ft/139 sq m coverage area, flying and crawling insects in your basement, garage, kitchen or _panty_ are a thing of the past." :rollhappy:



Hilarious! :clap:


----------



## Yoyo_Jo (Nov 23, 2011)

omg, they have the same typo on line. :clap:

http://www.stokeseeds.com/product.aspx?ProductID=54579&search=B1101


----------



## cnycharles (Nov 25, 2011)

my aunt told me about a formerly troublesome student who just didn't like to do the classwork, and was sort of a smart-aleck to boot

Mrs. U.- "Johnny, I just got your final grades, and you have a 63 average. 65 is a passing grade. You're going to have to take the class over again; instead, if you can give me three good reasons why I should give you a passing grade, I'll let you pass. Can you give me three reasons why I should let you pass?"

Johnny - "Um, well, I don't know..."

Mrs. U. - "Johnny, this is really important! Can't you at least give me 'one' good reason why I should give you a passing grade?"

Johnny - *!* "Well, if you let me pass, you'll never have to deal with me ever again!"

.... Johnny received his passing grade


----------



## Shiva (Nov 25, 2011)

Well, Johnny is on his way to a top company executive officer.


----------



## Kavanaru (Nov 26, 2011)

hhe... good advice from grandma: 
http://www.behance.net/gallery/Grandmother-Tips/2392946


----------



## Lanmark (Nov 26, 2011)

My wife just said to me, "I'm sick of it, your friends are sick of it and your family is sick of it! Everywhere you go, you have to make an entrance!"

"I can't help it darling," I replied, "I'm a frakin' porch builder!"


----------



## Lanmark (Nov 28, 2011)

Don't ask me to explain. I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!


----------



## likespaphs (Nov 28, 2011)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## Yoyo_Jo (Nov 28, 2011)

Lanmark said:


> Don't ask me to explain. I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!



:clap::rollhappy::clap::rollhappy::clap:


----------



## cnycharles (Dec 5, 2011)

note a 'joke', but a sad commentary on corporate greed or insensitivity

at our orchid society meeting yesterday, one of the people there mentioned that their wife worked for a health insurance company, and the employer would not offer health insurance as a benefit to the employee or their family


----------



## likespaphs (Dec 5, 2011)




----------



## SlipperFan (Dec 5, 2011)

cnycharles said:


> note a 'joke', but a sad commentary on corporate greed or insensitivity...



You got that right! How do you change that culture?!


----------



## Lanmark (Dec 7, 2011)

SlipperFan said:


> You got that right! How do you change that culture?!



Moral integrity must be nurtured within each of us and then shared with those around us on a daily basis. Doing the next right thing in each and every situation and "paying it forward" are things we all can do to help foster a new attitude across society. Those of us who have the means and the ability to speak out publicly for change and against injustice should feel free to do so at will. It's unfortunate that so many in our society today, for whatever reason or excuse, frown upon those who are willing to play a part in drawing public attention to the rampant greed and vile corruption which have nearly destroyed many of today's once-great economies. Change starts within, but we mustn't be afraid of telling others we have high moral expectations of them too. A successful civilized society demands at least a modicum of moral integrity and social responsibility from _all_ of its constituents.

I wish peace, freedom and prosperity to everyone who reads this. Now if only it were that simple...

...and now a blonde joke -- I feel entitled because I once was blonde (when I was young) 

A husband's blonde wife is going to the store. He tells her "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get me a dozen"

Twenty minutes later she returns and puts 12 gallon jugs of milk on the table.

The husband asks, "What is this???"

She says, "They had eggs."
:clap:


----------



## SlipperFan (Dec 8, 2011)

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-sh*%!"


----------



## cnycharles (Dec 11, 2011)

(found on a cooking forum)

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."


----------



## Dido (Dec 13, 2011)

Got this joke from one of my chiefs :evil:

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; 

"You see that bridge over there? Yes said the Greek mayor. 

The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's palatial house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how the hell this could be afforded the Greek said; 

"You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied; "........... "No ???"


----------



## Dido (Mar 5, 2012)

Hy 

get this jokes form a Uk friend:: 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. 
Talk about Dyson with death. 
----oOo---- 


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 
----oOo---- 


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. 
At first I was afraid...then I was petrified 
----oOo---- 


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. 
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 
----oOo---- 


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. 
----oOo---- 


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot ..... 


----oOo---- 


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, 
"I can get one cheaper off the web." 


----oOo---- 


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. 


----oOo---- 


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. 


----oOo---- 


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

----oOo---- 


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown." 


----oOo---- 


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 
'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'


----------



## Dido (Mar 6, 2012)

TWENTY DOLLARS 
On their wedding night, the young bride 
Approached her new husband and asked 
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking 
Encounter. In his highly aroused state, 
Her husband readily agreed. 
This scenario was repeated each time they made 
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a 
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that 
She needed. 
Arriving home around noon one day, she was 
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. 
During the next few minutes, he explained that 
His employer was going through a process of corporate 
Downsizing, and he had been let go. 


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find 
Another position that paid anywhere near what 
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which 
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling 
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued 
By the bank which were worth over $2 million, 
And informed him that they 
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank. 


She explained that for more than 
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, 
These holdings had multiplied and these were the 
Results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments 
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could 
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, 
I would have given you all my business!' 

That's when she shot him. 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when 
To keep their mouths shut 



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. 
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!


----------



## Clark (Mar 6, 2012)

hehehe
Been there.


----------



## cnycharles (Mar 18, 2012)

dumb spam received the other day


"U.S. pioneering biotech company developing pharmaceutical cannabis (marijuana) products, has just released new updated photos from a cancer patient self-administering cannabis extracts. 
Prior to using cannabis-based extracts the patient had received radiation and chemotherapy treatment. He patient noticed a huge difference between the treatments:

While on radiation treatments, each day was stressful and after each treatment I felt horrible as if my entire body was dying organ by organ,-says he. While using the Oil, I have noticed that my overall health seems much better. I sleep the recommended hours, unlike the insomnia I suffered while on radiation, and unlike the radiation that caused the restless sleep and nightmares, on the Oil I sleep like a baby,-stated he. 
The patient also mentioned that while showering he saw  pieces of the tumor falling off with the water as he was washing his head. This patient is very pleased with the results of the topical cannabis extract so far and said he enjoyed absolutely nothing about radiation and felt constantly sick and just overall unhealthy, but with using the oil he said, "I feel myself being restored, not tortured." 
Information for Medical and Health Care Investors We are looking for leading investors to support medical supply, equipment, and efficient medical and health care for our future researches. If you believe you can make a difference in people’s lives, we welcome you to contact us for more information. For more information, please visit 

www.cannnabistreatment.com

Disclaimer: When a patient is deciding what type of treatment they want to pursue, they should talk with their doctor first, about the specific cancer type that they have and discuss the treament course"

I'm not sure if the note above mentions whether or not the patient was hallucinating when he saw bits of tumor falling off of his head, and they don't actually say that the c. oil actually 'cured' anything  (except for his upset stomach)


----------



## Ray (Mar 19, 2012)

*Three Holy Mean and a Bear*

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


----------



## Kavanaru (Mar 19, 2012)

LOL indeed... a wrong start in this case... ))


----------



## Lanmark (Mar 19, 2012)

:clap: Fabulous joke, Ray! :rollhappy:


----------



## Eric Muehlbauer (Mar 19, 2012)

As long as we're on the priest, minister, and rabbi jokes...............
A priest, baptist minister, and a rabbi go for a walk in the country. Passing a nice stream, they decide to go swimming....no bathing suits, so they skinny dip. Just then, the local women's group walks by. The men jump up...the priest and minister modestly covering up their private parts...but the rabbi covered his face. After the women left, the clergymen asked the rabbi why he didn't cover his privates. He replied, "I don't know about yours, but in my congregation, they recognize me by my face."


----------



## NYEric (Mar 20, 2012)

Grandma's boyfriend 
> 
> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. 
> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 
> 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
> 
> Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. 
> I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. 
> The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh 
> ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
> 
> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. 
> She started
> adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. 
> Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. 
> The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' 
> 
> The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
> 
> The minister fainted.
>


----------



## Lanmark (Mar 20, 2012)

:clap: *^^* & *^* :clap:


----------



## Dido (Mar 29, 2012)

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...


(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever'). 

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell... 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


----------



## Hera (Mar 29, 2012)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## NYEric (Mar 29, 2012)

Hmmm. I may have to print that out and keep a copy with me.


----------



## Dido (Apr 12, 2012)

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back:
“Computer completely *uc#*d now."


----------



## Dido (Apr 12, 2012)

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're 
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
=


----------



## Dido (Apr 27, 2012)

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' 


The Aussie said 'One!' 


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. 


How much was the sale for?' 
'£124,237.64p.' 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 


'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 



'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 


The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.. 


'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'


----------



## lipelgas (Apr 27, 2012)

There is a Men shop where you can buy a man. At the door is instruction: "You are allowed to visit this shop only once. It has 6 floors and on every floor there are different men available. You can choose a man from the floor you are or to go to next floor, but you are not allowed to return."

A woman goes to Men shop. On the first floor there are men who has job. The woman continues to the next floor. On the second floor there are men who has job and who love kids. The woman continues to the next floor. On the third floor there are nice men who has job and who love kids. Woman thinks "WOW!", but continues. On the fourth floor there are nice men who has job and love kids and help at homework. "Almost dream!" thinks woman, but continues. On the fifth floor there are nice and romantic men who has job and love kids and help at homework. Woman is tempted to choose, but still continues - there must be something better! On the sixth floor there is a sign: " You are 6,987,877th visitor of this floor! The aim of this shop was to prove that it is not possible to please a woman! Thank you for visiting us!"

Next to Men shop is a Women shop, where you can buy women. It has also six floor. On the first floor there are women who enjoy sex. On the second floor there are rich women who enjoy sex. Nobody had ever visited floors 4 to 6.


----------



## Ray (May 2, 2012)

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## goldenrose (May 2, 2012)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:
I have seen this one before, but it's still as funny as it was the first time!


----------



## Hera (May 2, 2012)

That one was definitely laugh out loud funny!


----------



## Lanmark (May 2, 2012)

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed hysterically, pointed and screamed, "Mommy! Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother was terribly embarrassed and said, "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture young man!"

Little Johnny was required to stay at home and read Shakespeare every afternoon for the next month. Shortly after his detention had been completed, Little Johnny's mother took him with her once again to the mall. They'd only been there a few minutes when the very same bowlegged man came walking toward them as before. His mother wondered whether or not Little Johnny had learned anything from his month of cultural training.

Indeed he had. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark, mother dear! What manner of man is this me sees who wears his bollocks 'tween parentheses?"


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## cnycharles (May 3, 2012)

At first I was laughing out loud because I thought that these were Ray's experiences (then I caught on...). Seeing an image of ray in my head, putting condom packages into other people's carts was pretty funny :rollhappy:



Ray said:


> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
> 
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
> 
> ...


----------



## Ray (May 23, 2012)

*I Got Home Safe...*

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the 
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the 
local watering hole and had a few too many shots of tequila and beer chasers.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've 
never done before: 

I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it 
past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have 
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


----------



## Lanmark (May 23, 2012)

:rollhappy: :clap: :rollhappy:
Excellent!


Ray said:


> I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
> 
> As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
> authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
> ...


----------



## eggshells (May 23, 2012)

Ray said:


> I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
> 
> As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
> authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
> ...



Lol, That's a gooder. Great way to start the morning.


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## Dido (May 24, 2012)

Great now I know where the bus infornt of my house comes from


----------



## goldenrose (May 24, 2012)

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:


----------



## Dido (May 31, 2012)

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure.' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!' 


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.' 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 


One more. . .! 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## Ray (Jun 6, 2012)

*Why Medical Costs are So High*

Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? 

Here's what happened to Bubba: 

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had...
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


----------



## NYEric (Jun 6, 2012)

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed
her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi,
sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six
thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting - no, honey,
not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No
sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my
heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking
loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously
angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.


----------



## Stone (Jun 7, 2012)

NYEric said:


> After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed
> her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
> 
> As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
> ...



:clap:


----------



## Dido (Jun 7, 2012)

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or
not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it
is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near
the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON...OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


----------



## SlipperFan (Jun 9, 2012)

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."


----------



## Dido (Jun 14, 2012)

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. 

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 
'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' 


The waiter replied, 
'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.


----------



## Dido (Jul 5, 2012)

Subject: TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1: 
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, 
Who had 8 kids already, 
Three who were deaf, 
Two who were blind, 
One mentally retarded, 
And she had syphilis, 
Would you recommend that she have an abortion? 

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. 

Question 2: 
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.. 
Here are the facts about the three candidates. 

Candidate A: 
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. 
He's had two mistresses. 
He also chain smokes 
And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. 

Candidate B: 
He was kicked out of office twice, 
Sleeps until noon, 
Used opium in college 
And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. 

Candidate C: 
He is a decorated war hero, 
He's a vegetarian, 
Doesn't smoke, 
Drinks an occasional beer 
And never committed adultery. 


Which of these candidates would be our choice? 

Decide first .. No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.

























Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. 
Candidate B is Winston Churchill. 
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. 

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? 
Makes a person think before judging someone. 

Remember: 
Amateurs ... Built the ark. 
Professionals ... Built the Titanic


----------



## Hera (Jul 5, 2012)

That was great!


----------



## Lanmark (Jul 5, 2012)

Dido said:


> Question 1:
> If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
> Who had 8 kids already,
> Three who were deaf,
> ...



The truth is that Ludwig van Beethoven was the second of seven children born to his parents. He was the eldest surviving child, his elder sibling having died in infancy, as was common in those days. The elder deceased sibling was not, so far as is known, blind, deaf nor mentally retarded. There is no evidence that either of his parents had syphilis, although it is true that his mother eventually died of tuberculosis.

The internet is littered with pro-life websites which repeat this baseless story in lame attempts to make their point, frequently altering the factual details of the story as they see fit.

_____________________________________

Where's the scientific proof that "The Ark" ever really truly existed? Sure, it's a great story, but realistically... c'mon now!  oke:


----------



## SlipperFan (Jul 7, 2012)

Lanmark said:


> The truth is that Ludwig van Beethoven was the second of seven children born to his parents. He was the eldest surviving child, his elder sibling having died in infancy, as was common in those days. The elder deceased sibling was not, so far as is known, blind, deaf nor mentally retarded. There is no evidence that either of his parents had syphilis, although it is true that his mother eventually died of tuberculosis.
> 
> The internet is littered with pro-life websites which repeat this baseless story in lame attempts to make their point, frequently altering the factual details of the story as they see fit.
> 
> ...



Oh shucks! Another myth debunked!


----------



## cnycharles (Jul 7, 2012)

Lanmark said:


> Where's the scientific proof that "The Ark" ever really truly existed? Sure, it's a great story, but realistically... c'mon now!  oke:



while not proof of existence, the u.s. navy built an exact replica of 'the ark' from the description in the bible, and deemed it to be very extremely unsinkable. now what are the odds that something that is a myth, could be rebuilt according to specs, and be extremely seaworthy?  you would expect a myth built in reality to be something that would roll over at the first inclination


----------



## SlipperFan (Jul 7, 2012)

Well, not quite true, Charles:
http://www.strategypage.com/military_photos/military_photos_200907072148.aspx


----------



## ohio-guy (Jul 8, 2012)

Even the story of Noah and the flood predates the bible by thousands of yrs, occurring in several different pagan cultures before being "adopted" by the Jews, and then Christians....
http://survive2012.com/index.php/noahsark.html


----------



## Shiva (Jul 8, 2012)

cnycharles said:


> while not proof of existence, the u.s. navy built an exact replica of 'the ark' from the description in the bible, and deemed it to be very extremely unsinkable. now what are the odds that something that is a myth, could be rebuilt according to specs, and be extremely seaworthy?  you would expect a myth built in reality to be something that would roll over at the first inclination



The Titanic was also ''unsinkable''.


----------



## cnycharles (Jul 8, 2012)

Shiva said:


> The Titanic was also ''unsinkable''.



yes, though if it had been built with proper materials (not with steel fired with very low grade, sulfur rich coal), it may have withstood the iceberg. just as if the world trade center buildings had been built the way the original design intended; with materials to prevent things like airplane wings from entering the outer wall and other safety points, the twin towers disasters could have been prevented. humans cutting corners to save a buck allowed disaster to happen




SlipperFan said:


> Well, not quite true, Charles:
> http://www.strategypage.com/military_photos/military_photos_200907072148.aspx



:rollhappy: well, that's a very interesting story!  but, what I read was from long before the existence of the internet and our being in afghanistan. thank you for the link, was interesting. so, you believe that I read an account of this, and that was what I thought was the 'ark'? maybe you're just poking fun  .... I have a sense of humor so am not bothered by the possible suggestion that my reasoning is flawed enough not to be able to tell the difference 

one point, all joking aside; it's a fact that I read an account of a test by the navy way back when, in some book or article in the late 70's or 80's. much testing was being done for ships and planes, many which were disasters. but, just like there should be a grain of salt being applied when reading about any 'facts' on the internet; just because someone wrote a book that stated something interesting, doesn't mean that it was a fact. I also read many books of my brother's that highly exclaimed all sorts of weird humanistic things, bermuda triangle effects, all sorts of interesting but highly speculative things. unless there is a document showing the plans and construction of such a craft like the ark then stories either for or against it don't really prove anything




ohio-guy said:


> Even the story of Noah and the flood predates the bible by thousands of yrs, occurring in several different pagan cultures before being "adopted" by the Jews, and then Christians....
> http://survive2012.com/index.php/noahsark.html



it's possible for any group to come up with alternate timelines for many ancient happenings, depending on what they want to believe. one thing cultural anthropologists look for as a possible support for ancient myths to actually have occurred, is how many cultures have the same belief interwoven into their history. for so many cultures, many quite far apart and with little to no contact seemingly between them, to have a record of a total flood as part of their history or mythology, lends weight to the possible credibility of that part of their collective history. odds and statistics would also support this, in that the odds of this adoption of the same point of history into so many different cultures, as a spontaneous creation separately devised in each, is fairly low

we all believe what we will believe, and it's not likely that any will change. thankfully there are places where we can say what we believe without being arrested. with the 'new spring' spreading across the globe, soon many places will not allow the sharing or exchange of different beliefs. you will either be part of the spring, or you will die or be arrested etc.


----------



## cnycharles (Jul 8, 2012)

while not a joke, my mother's cousin recently told me a work story that was pretty funny. i probably won't tell it as well as he did....

"not long after being in the army, I took on a job at the nestle (I think) plant that used to be near syracuse. I was hired into a plant electrical engineer's position, but with a group of people that weren't part of the 'house/union' electrical crew. the house crew despised the other electricians and would give them the worst jobs to do. I decided that I would have 'fun' with my job, no matter what. one day, we were taking an old 'machine' offline while switching the power to an newer one upstairs; the electrical connections were up on a metallic scaffold high over the old machine, but below the floor of the new one. the voltage/amperage was quite high, so I had to work carefully. my helper was quite lazy and went over to the side and took a nap, so I unhooked the wires, pulled them out of the main conduit (which was now empty) and capped them off/sealed them off from the other machine. I then switched power to the new unit. 

just about then, part of the union crew showed up and rather snottily asked what was taking so long?? I yelled over to my assistant to wake up and help me with this, and then grabbed a hacksaw and went at the main (empty) power conduit and yelled, 'hang on hang on, i'll have the power off in a second..' people started flying off of that metal scaffolding like mad... "


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## Hera (Jul 8, 2012)

That was a gotcha moment!


----------



## Lanmark (Jul 8, 2012)

cnycharles said:


> one point, all joking aside; it's a fact that I read an account of a test by the navy way back when, in some book or article in the late 70's or 80's. much testing was being done for ships and planes, many which were disasters. but, just like there should be a grain of salt being applied when reading about any 'facts' on the internet; just because someone wrote a book that stated something interesting, doesn't mean that it was a fact. I also read many books of my brother's that highly exclaimed all sorts of weird humanistic things, bermuda triangle effects, all sorts of interesting but highly speculative things. unless there is a document showing the plans and construction of such a craft like the ark then stories either for or against it don't really prove anything



Ah, ok, so perhaps the U.S. Navy _didn't_ actually build an exact replica of 'the ark' from the description in The Bible, after all, nor deem it to be "very extremely unsinkable" as you first declared. :wink:




cnycharles said:


> we all believe what we will believe, and it's not likely that any will change. thankfully there are places where we can say what we believe without being arrested. with the 'new spring' spreading across the globe, soon many places will not allow the sharing or exchange of different beliefs. you will either be part of the spring, or you will die or be arrested etc.




Indeed, we all believe what we will believe. Some of us are willing to change our minds when faced with new facts and evidence... others not so much. I've heard of no "new spring" spreading across the globe which inherently denies the free exchange of ideas. There is the Arab Spring, of course, but perhaps that is not the spring to which you refer. I've seen the supporters of the Arab Spring freely sharing and exchanging quite a lot on Twitter. I am confident, whatever the case may be, that not all quests for the freedom of a people and not all movements to end a system of political oppression will simply result in new and even more sinister systems of oppression and suffering. I firmly believe in the power of the spirit of hope and the innate ability of mankind to progress to ever-higher levels of social reasoning and functionality. Change often brings freedom, even if the path can sometimes be somewhat circuitous. The spirit of mankind inevitably and relentlessly demands liberty and justice. 

____________________________________________

Here's a cute little joke which doesn't slam union workers nor scabs-in-training:

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority! I refer to ALL my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all, and I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name, young man?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
:rollhappy:


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## Eric Muehlbauer (Jul 8, 2012)

I had read that the legends of the Great Flood were based on the formation of the Black Sea about 8,000 years ago or so. The meltwater from the glaciers had been backed up by some sort of a dam that broke. A similar event occurred in North America, in the Pacific Northwest, although the result wasn't as big as the Black sea.


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## NYEric (Jul 9, 2012)

cnycharles said:


> ..people started flying off of that metal scaffolding like mad... "


:rollhappy:


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## Kavanaru (Jul 9, 2012)

the discussion before made me think of this:

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/600725_450319801653509_438429465_n.jpg 


because everything is relative and depends on the point of view...


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## Lanmark (Jul 9, 2012)

Kavanaru said:


> the discussion before made me think of this:
> 
> http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/600725_450319801653509_438429465_n.jpg
> 
> ...



Awesome! :clap:


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## cnycharles (Jul 10, 2012)

Lanmark said:


> Ah, ok, so perhaps the U.S. Navy _didn't_ actually build an exact replica of 'the ark' from the description in The Bible, after all, nor deem it to be "very extremely unsinkable" as you first declared. :wink:



well, I actually wrote that last, to eliminate a lot of back and forth about whether or not an ark had actually existed millennia ago, or if the navy had tested a possible design based on the ark's described dimensions. I completely did read somewhere that the navy had tested such a structure, but I openly admit that a book doesn't necessarily have truth in it, just like many web pages don't have truth in them. as I pointed out, either seeing a formal set of plans, or a press release from a navy office somewhere either saying that this was or wasn't built, was the only way to provide 'proof'. anyone can say this or that, but unless proof is provided then I or anyone can say whatever they want, or point to any web page, and it doesn't really mean a thing. I was being somewhat magnanimous in conceding the 'proof' point.

I meant the arab spring, but didn't want to get people thinking I was against arabic or muslim people. I assumed that people would understand what I meant. I have heard of quite a bit of new oppression against christian people in all countries that the arab spring has occurred, and anyone that isn't muslim has been oppressed. sunni's and other groups have also been targeted. you of course won't read this in any main-stream media, because they could care less if some christians in a far-off land are being killed or threatened to change to islam (just like what happened in bosnia and nearby when the ottomans conquered the area, and forced all to convert to islam. don't tell me it didn't happen that way, because the bosnians and serbs i've worked with would say otherwise)

lanmark, I admire your enthusiasm and wish it worked that way, meaning mankind 'wants' to be onwards and upwards, but.... we'll see. usually trouble leads to someone usurping a movement and tailoring it to their own wants regardless of what was intended at the start


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## SlipperFan (Jul 10, 2012)

Charles, I'm not sure what you mean by the "main stream media." I watch CBS, NBC, PBS, and some of the smaller affiliates. I'm aware that whatever is the minority religion in just about any country, it tends to be oppressed -- sometimes more severely than other times. But even within the major religions, whether Muslim or Christian, there is hatred toward anyone who doesn't believe (or look) like them. So Muslim sects vs. Muslim sects & Christians against Christians. And everyone hates non-theists. 

There is so much hate that is based on religious differences, and so much of faith is based on myth and misinterpretation. That's why I had to question your story about the ark. I did think you were referring to the story I linked to -- that was not intended to be a joke.


----------



## Lanmark (Jul 10, 2012)

As Dot noted, Charles, religious discrimination is all too common today around the world. This is nothing new. It's been going on for a _very_ long time. Contrary to what you believe, the mainstream media HAS, in fact, _extensively_ reported on these problems as they have occurred within the context of the Arab Spring.

As John Lennon wrote and sang, 

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

______________________________

I sincerely hope you'll join us! 
______________________________


cnycharles said:


> lanmark, I admire your enthusiasm and wish it worked that way, meaning mankind 'wants' to be onwards and upwards, but.... we'll see. usually trouble leads to someone usurping a movement and tailoring it to their own wants regardless of what was intended at the start



I'm still happy whenever I see an oppressed people make a stand for freedom, because if no one ever stood up for freedom, there'd be no freedom on earth today! It's better to try and fail, try and fail again, and then finally try and succeed than to never have tried at all. Fear is a powerful motivator to do absolutely nothing!


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## Lanmark (Jul 11, 2012)

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
.
.

...That fly never knew what f*cking hit it.


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## SlipperFan (Jul 11, 2012)

Lanmark said:


> I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
> 
> "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
> .
> ...



Ouch! Poor iPad!


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## Dido (Jul 12, 2012)

Now I know why they sell so much of them


----------



## cnycharles (Jul 12, 2012)

SlipperFan said:


> There is so much hate that is based on religious differences, and so much of faith is based on myth and misinterpretation. That's why I had to question your story about the ark. I did think you were referring to the story I linked to -- that was not intended to be a joke.



sorry, wasn't around last night

fair enough; i'm sure that it was a misunderstanding. though, anyone that really knows me knows that i would never be making a misinterpretation like that. the navy testing a real copy of the ark is pretty simple. back to orchids!



a duck walks into a restaurant and says, 'i'm exhausted and starving from all that flying north and south.... give me a steak and some fries'. the waiter says, 'don't be silly; we don't serve food to ducks in here!' 'okay..', says the duck; 'then bring me a beer'


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## Lanmark (Jul 12, 2012)

cnycharles said:


> anyone that really knows me knows that i would never be making a misinterpretation like that. the navy testing a real copy of the ark is pretty simple.



...except for the fact that it never actually happened... :wink:


Q: What animal could Noah not trust?
A: The Cheetah.


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## cnycharles (Jul 12, 2012)

Lanmark said:


> ...except for the fact that it never actually happened... :wink:



:rollhappy: :rollhappy: I see a fish hook, but i'm not biting 

now, you said that 'someone' was 'baiting you' when they spoke about 'poorly performing socialistic revolutions'.. that you couldn't resist speaking forth.

your above seems like baiting to me  keep trying. either the fisherman has to have something really appealing to draw the fish, or be alot smarter than the fish.... .... .... all I see is an empty hook 

SIL, LGO

Q: Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he pitches?
A: Because if he raised both legs, he'd fall down


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## Lanmark (Jul 13, 2012)

cnycharles said:


> I see a fish hook, but i'm not biting



I was just stating the facts. No hook. 

__________________

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

:noangel:


----------



## Hera (Jul 13, 2012)

Hook, line and sink her............


----------



## Clark (Jul 13, 2012)

that was effing funny.


----------



## keithrs (Jul 14, 2012)

How do you crown the winner of the worlds procrastinator championship?


FYI.... Only clean joke I know.... So there you have it!


----------



## SlipperFan (Jul 14, 2012)

Not sure this is a joke:
___________________

Put all the old people in jail! 
WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!!.... 

Here's the way it should be: Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. 

This would correct two things in one motion: 

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. 

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical Treatment, wheel chairs, etc. 

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out. 

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly... If they fell or needed assistance. 

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. 

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. 

All meals and snacks would be brought to them. 

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. 

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education..and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists. 

Simple clothing - i.e.. Shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free , upon request. 

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens. 

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost . 

They would receive daily phone calls. 

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect. 



As for the criminals: They would receive cold food. 

They would be left alone and unsupervised. 

They would receive showers once a week. 

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would 

have to pay $5,000 per month. 

They would have no hope of ever getting out.


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## NYEric (Jul 16, 2012)

Actually, the irony is a joke!


----------



## Ray (Jul 17, 2012)

Redneck Striptease


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."


----------



## Lanmark (Jul 17, 2012)

^ :clap: :rollhappy: ^

A new teacher was getting to know all the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

The first little girl said, “My name is Mary, and my daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy said, “I’m Andy, and my dad is a mechanic.”

And so it went until one little boy said, “My name is Johnny, and my father works as a striptease artist in two different clubs, one straight and one gay.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in the local bars.

Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he's really a banker. First he was a director of business development at Lehman Brothers and now he's a director of investments at JP Morgan Chase, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone about it.”


----------



## SlipperFan (Jul 20, 2012)

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go? 

Wonder no more ! ! ! 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


----------



## Hien (Jul 22, 2012)

Vietnamese love to joke about and poke fun at themselves.
My eighty year old uncle is no exception, he just sent me this story, with his caption" Vietnamese, number one in the world again":
In order to bring the world attention to famine & hunger in 3rd world countries, FAO decided to organize a painting competition with the theme " The scariest starvation" . Many famous painters of the 3rd world sent their submissions with hope of getting help for the plight of their countries.
Well the day FAO announcing the 3 finalists, everyone was full of anticipation.
The third place is unveiled, all are impressed with the theme, two indians fighting for a piece of beef. The judges acknowledge that this is certainly a master piece, since it must be quite a famine to push any indian to this point.
The next one has two cambodians trying to get some bone marrows out of meatless bones.
What about our vietnamese painting. After a stunning silence, with thundering roars, the audience break out in full standing ovation. 

The painting shows a shriveling ******* covered with spiderweb.


----------



## Dido (Jul 24, 2012)

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. 
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.


'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde. 

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"


----------



## Shiva (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know if you saw that one:

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest orders it to leave immediately. The boson protests: ''But how can you have mass without me?'"


----------



## Lanmark (Aug 3, 2012)

Jon Stewart says,

"“What better way to stand up and say ‘I oppose gay people’s right to get married’ than to head down to a Chick-fil-A, grab a-hold of two buttery buns, split ‘em open and gobble down some of that hot, greasy ****?”

:rollhappy:


----------



## cnycharles (Aug 5, 2012)

last week a native orchid hunting friend of me recalled this recent animal sighting at their bird feeding station in their back yard..


"yesterday the wife and I were relaxing in the living room when we spotted a fairly large black bear heading towards the bird feeders. the wife said, 'there goes the suet feeder...' to which he replied 'just watch'. the bear went to put his nose up on the metal cage of the suet feeder, but he found the electric fence/zapper first. as soon as it touched the metal, it got a rude shock, fell over backwards and proceeded to run through the garden the picket fence and the surrounding woods and hasn't been seen since" :rollhappy:

gary lives near inlet, ny in the adirondacks near where he used to be a park ranger in the moose river plains wilderness area. old forge and the surrounding area of the fulton chain lake system (first lake, second lake etc) are filled with bears and deer, and campers are often feeding them. the bears are starting to break into cars and homes more and more often, and are getting more adept at opening doors the old-fashioned way - using the handles (even the car doors). there are so many animals around the streets of old forge that visitors have started asking if the town officials let out the animals from a private zoo each morning... it's amazing that with the amount of time in recent years that i've been driving and photographing orchids in the adirondacks and nearby, that I still have never seen a bear... co-worker up there has seen plenty of them not during hunting season, and even talked to one for a few minutes that was near his father's house, that sat right down in the road while phil was talking to it (I think phil was trying to talk the bear into climbing up into the back of the truck and into the freezer  )

upon hearing about this animal/bird feeder encounter, friend bill in minnesota replied that he has an electric fencer setup hooked up to their bird feeder. when a squirrel is seen jumping onto the hanging feeder, a button is pressed and dc voltage courses through the metal around the feeder (and the unhappy squirrel). the rodent and a few seeds go flying, and eventually they get the message. he stated that his zapper saves hundreds of dollars of seed each year, but that it is now getting hard to find the old ford coil parts that are part of his repellent system. he doesn't leave it on all the time as the birds would get cooked as well. they don't leave suet feeders out unattended during the warm season when bears are normally around... though was intrigued about the electrical defense system around gary's suet feeder


----------



## Ray (Aug 5, 2012)

I hate to be a technical nerd here - No I don't. That's what I am! - but a shock requires a path to ground. A bear standing on the ground and touching the metal suet cage would get it, a bird or squirrel, hanging on the cage with no contact with the ground, would not.


----------



## Shiva (Aug 5, 2012)

Ray said:


> I hate to be a technical nerd here - No I don't. That's what I am! - but a shock requires a path to ground. A bear standing on the ground and touching the metal suet cage would get it, a bird or squirrel, hanging on the cage with no contact with the ground, would not.



If the feeder is grounded through a wire or a metal fence, anything touching it will get a shock. The way I understand it, the power has to be on to give a shock. He has to turn it off to prevent the bird from getting a shock when they feed.


----------



## Lanmark (Aug 5, 2012)

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul


----------



## cnycharles (Aug 5, 2012)

Ray said:


> I hate to be a technical nerd here - No I don't. That's what I am! - but a shock requires a path to ground. A bear standing on the ground and touching the metal suet cage would get it, a bird or squirrel, hanging on the cage with no contact with the ground, would not.



he showed me a picture of the construction with has two contacts, which the animal bridges. when a squirrel gets on the feeder, he closes the contacts until the squirrel gets off 

The electrified bird feeder is courtesy of bill steele, who grows lots of cyps in minnesota



> I really enjoyed hearing about your fix for the squirrels at the bird feeder, especially about tying the dead one to the tree to scare other squirrels. I have a tech fix for squirrels at bird feeders. I have electrified a commercial bird feeder by connecting it to the high voltage terminals of and ancient Ford ignition spark coil. One terminal of the coil is connected to all the metal in the commercial feeder, the other terminal is connected to a couple very large hose clamps that go around the feeder but are insulated from the other metal with some foam insulation. I am attaching a photo of the prototype. The setup in the photo worked really well, but both birds and squirrels worked at destroying the foam insulation. Subsequently, I have tried using non-foam insulation with good success. One of my indoor projects for the summer is to make a solid state driver for a car ignition coil, as the old Ford coil and its mechanical vibrator are dying. Also, the power isn't on all the time, just turned on when a squirrel is seen on the feeder


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## Dido (Aug 13, 2012)

Wonderful English from Around the World


In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British
Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:


Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:


IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE

Priceless!


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## Paul Mc (Aug 13, 2012)

ROFL...

Reminds me of when Electrolux (a vacuum cleaner) went to Germany. They posted billboards and did a tv campaign, and wondered why they had no sales. Apparently, their translation was something along the line of "Electrolux, we really s*ck!". LOL....


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## Lanmark (Aug 22, 2012)

A man had a pit bull that hated to walk. The dog kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit.


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## NYEric (Aug 22, 2012)

Hahaha! :rollhappy:


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## Dido (Aug 22, 2012)

Little Girl On a Plane... 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" He smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

She then went back to reading her book.


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## Lanmark (Aug 22, 2012)

These jokes are all from comedian Emo Phillips:

*·* Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


*·* When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

*·* So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

*·* A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

*·* I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

*·* When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.


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## Hera (Aug 22, 2012)

ROFL copter!


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## Dido (Aug 23, 2012)

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.


'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'


'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'


'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'


So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.


Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.


Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.


'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'


Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'


'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'


Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' 



'Nope..just when it's raining.'


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## nikv (Aug 23, 2012)

^ ^

And if he were running in the San Francisco Bay to Breakers race, he'd fit right in with all the other naked people.


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## cnycharles (Sep 23, 2012)

'There was a woman whose husband was a real skinflint. He didn't trust banks, so he kept all of his money underneath his mattress, and it was all she could do to get some spare change from him from time to time.

One day, he became quite ill and died. At the funeral, she found out that her husband's will stated that all of his money should be collected and placed in his casket.

After a brief consultation with her lawyer, the wife wrote out a check for the full amount, placed it in the casket and closed the lid'


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## Dido (Sep 24, 2012)

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. 
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."


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## cnycharles (Oct 26, 2012)

I was riding with a co-worker on the state thruway yesterday, and he was telling me about a story a thruway toll collector told him recently.

"I was working in the toll booth the other day, handing out tickets out one window and collecting tolls from the other side. A man in a black corvette convertible was at the ticket window as I was making change, and he became rude and impatient. 'Hurry your a## up.. my toll is paying for your paycheck...' . After making change I politely handed him a ticket, and noticed that he had an open six-pack of beer on the front passenger seat which is of course against the law. Since he had succeeded in pissing me off, I noted his license plate number and called the state police right away (hee hee). I reported the open alcohol. The next day, a trooper stopped by the booth, and happily thanked the worker for the tip. The trooper stated that while searching the car and noting the open containers in front, they also found an ounce of cocaine (d'oh!) in his possession, and really nailed him to the wall."

the co-worker also told me that he would often meet a young friendly man/employee at the local feed store who was nice to everyone, even though they might be rude to him. the co-worker told me that he always treated the young man nicely, as he thought he might be disadvantaged or something and wanted him to feel welcome. sometime later, he was pulled over in a nearby town, and the town police officer who had pulled him over was the young man from the feed store! the officer recognized him, smiled and told him to take it easy on the road and have a nice day...

the moral of the story: don't be in such a huge rush, and be nice to everyone... you have no idea how being a jerk may come back to haunt you!


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## Dido (Oct 29, 2012)

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.?
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.?

Arlene: ?What in the hell is that??

Jane: ? A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.?

Arlene: Where did you get it??

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.?

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.?

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.?

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"?

The pharmacist fainted. !!?


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## Ray (Oct 30, 2012)

*Were you cool in high school? Are you still?*

For the guys...


This little test determines how cool you were in High School based on what crowd you ran with, what car you drove, type of gal you dated...etc.) and how cool you are now based your job, home, family, friends, etc. It will let you know if you've changed since High School. It's surprisingly accurate. 

Click HERE


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## Shiva (Nov 18, 2012)

A friend told a woman I have never seen that I was single. Then he gave her my email. She wrote to me and said she could love any good man looking between Prince Charming and Shrek.

I wrote back: ''Oh damn! Shrek is going to win again!''


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## annab (Nov 19, 2012)

every day in a pub a man drunk go where are two table and start to say• to right are all bu||**** and left are all sons of bi|ch ,for several day the story repeat at same way.
one day while drunk to start to insult people at the table : "from here are all bullshit and from there are all sons of the bi|ch " one man set at the table on the right say ,hey you ,look that I'm not bu||**** ,the drunk replay ,ok no problem , go from there to the left table.
bye from anna


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## cnycharles (Nov 19, 2012)

(just read this corny joke in magazine)

"so this skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a pitcher of beer and a mop..."


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## Dido (Nov 26, 2012)

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!


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## Ray (Nov 26, 2012)

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old *****!"

Touches the heart, doesn't it?


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## Dido (Dec 14, 2012)

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech... 

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for


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## phraggy (Dec 17, 2012)

Two Irishmen walking round a cemetery.Mick says that there's a bloke here who lived to be 130. Really Sheamus says what was he called----



Miles from London,


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## cnycharles (Jan 7, 2013)

a little girl with bright red hair and many freckles was attending a face-painting party with her grandmother. while waiting in line to sit with the artist, some of the children in front of her teased the little girl by saying that she might as well not wait in line, because the many freckles would prevent the artist from having enough space to paint anything on her face

this troubled the little one very much, and the grandmother (not hearing the young brats' comments) noticed that she was very unhappy. grandma asked her what was wrong, and the little girl told her what the others had said, and told her grandmother that she hated her freckles. 

grandma said, 'why, little one.. I think that freckles are beautiful. when I was young, I wanted to have freckles but had none. I think that you have a beautiful face!' the little girl somberly and shyly looked up into her grandmother's face, and asked her if she really meant that, to which her gm said 'yes,... can you think of anything that could be more beautiful than freckles?'

'yes', the little girl replied, now starting to smile,... 'wrinkles!'


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## Dido (Jan 18, 2013)

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: 


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! 
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. 
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.. 
_______________________________________________________ 
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer £100. 
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. 
Worn once by mistake. 
Call Stephanie. 
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is... 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. 
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

(Statement of the Century) 
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. 

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" 
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late? 
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
(I Love this child) 
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is.. 
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...... 
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher 
__________________________________


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## cnycharles (Jan 22, 2013)

not a joke, but funny if you think about it... I was just looking online for grower jobs listed on the internet across the u.s.;..... I found a listing for 'medical marijuana grower' in arizona, and one of the job requirements was 'the applicant must be highly experienced in growing medical marijuana' 

now what makes this a little funny, is that 'medical marijuana' has only very recently become a legal thing, so someone would have to have been growing it illegally of course for a long time. I wonder if the new company requires the new grower to hand over their client list, or better yet, submit to drug testing? :rollhappy: it would be pretty funny if a business owner required their medical marijuana growers to be 'drug free' and tested them for compliance


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## Dido (Feb 15, 2013)

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night." 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".


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## limuhead (Feb 15, 2013)

*What a pig*

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He looks at his wife and says 'This is the pig I've been sleeping with' His wife glares at him and replies 'That's a sheep you idiot' Upon that the farmer responds 'I was talkin to the sheep'


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## cnycharles (Feb 18, 2013)

A Texan and an East Indian were talking about their businesses, and the Texan was talking big about everything.

The Texan asks the Indian, "Mr. Singh, how big is your farm?" Mr. Singh says, "If you see the distance to that lamppost, it's about that far long, and wide." 

Mr. Singh asks Mr. Buddy, "So, how big is your ranch?" Mr. Buddy says, "If I get in my truck and drive from morning through to lunchtime, that's about how big my ranch is..."

Mr. Singh says, "I see, I used to have a truck like that once, too..."


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## Ray (Feb 19, 2013)

85-year-old Bill is driving down the road when he receives a frantic cellphone call from his wife: "Bill! Be very careful out there. There was a report on the TV how one person is driving the wrong way on the interstate!"

Bill responds, "One Hell! There's hundreds of 'em!"


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## Dido (Feb 26, 2013)

Where did piss poor come from ?

older people need to learn something new every day...
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
Could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes,
So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
And guests got the top, or the upper crust. 
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
And eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was "considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
Smile, it gives your face something to do!


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## Eric Muehlbauer (Mar 3, 2013)

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/1500.asp


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## limuhead (Mar 3, 2013)

*origin of words*

We use lots of words from various sources, but did you ever wonder where some of the more colorful ones come from?

Way back when they used fertilizers, much as we do today. Back in the days of sailing ships one of the few, if not the only source of good fertilizers was manure. When they shipped it cost was calculated by weight. To save money the manure was dried and packed tightly in burlap. After being put into the hold of these old leaky ships the manure would sometimes get wet, and the result was methane trapped in the hold. On occasion it was someones job to go into the hold and check to make sure that the cargo had not shifted. Not having flashlights at the time they would go down with a kerosene lantern and BOOM! The latern ignited the methane and ships were severely damaged if not destryed. It didn't take long to figure this out. Afterwards the bundles containing manure were labeled with the antgram S.H.I.T., meaning ship high in transit; i.e. above the waterline so they wouldn't create methane and blow up the ship! 

If anyone is interested in more similar info just let me know; 
I'M FULL OF IT!!!


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## wjs2nd (Mar 4, 2013)

Hahaha, great information.


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## limuhead (Mar 6, 2013)

In front of a very old prestigious institute of higher learning there were 2 statues; a nude man and a nude woman. They had stood at the entrance of the univevsity for over 100 years through blistering hot summers, torrential rains and tremendous blizzards. One day an angel descended from heaven and said to them 'You have been standing guard at the doors of knowledge for over a century'. 'You have never complained, through all that nature has thrown at you, stood by and watched generations of scholars coming and going without even a thought of leaving your post'. 'It has been decided that you will be given life for one hour to do whatever you wish as a reward for your steadfastness'. With a snap of his fingers the two statues came to life. The man statue smiled at the lady statue. She winked at him and they grasped hands as they headed towards the bushes behind thier pedistals. For 45 minutes the angel stood watch and heard giggling, laughter, and obvious sounds of pleasure as the bushes shook and leaves flew. The couple emerged from the bushes, the look of satisfaction was clearly etched on thier faces. As they climbed upon thier pedistals ready to stand for another century the angel smiled and said 'you know, you still have 15 minutes...' The man statue shrugged his shoulders and as they headed back towards the bushes the woman statue said 'Okay, but this time YOU hold the pidgeon down and I'LL **** on it's head!'


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## Ray (Apr 7, 2013)

*Blondie Comes Through Again*

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. 

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' 

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She said that she didn't know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. 

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. 

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it’s right there.' The mechanic fainted.

*(Click Here)*


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## limuhead (Apr 7, 2013)

A brunette walks into the doctors office and says 'Doc, I think I broke every bone in my body'. The doctor asks her to explain and she replies 'When I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my elbow, it hurts. As a matter of fact every time I touch any part of my body it hurts.' The doctor gives her a look and a smile and asks 'Do you by any chance color your hair, are you naturally blonde?' 'Why yes, how could you tell?' The doctor looks at her and says 'Because you broke your finger.' oke:


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## Dido (May 2, 2013)

A paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is
a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or
reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or
dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anti-climax . For this reason, it is
extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only
change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning
of a particular word, creating a syllepsis. (Wikipedia)

Examples

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but
you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and
a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


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## Hera (May 2, 2013)

Clever :rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:


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## Dido (May 29, 2013)

ubject: What starts with F and ends with K.


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, having trouble with one of
her students
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter Than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what The situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. 
She agreed. 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. 

Principal: 
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: 
'9.' 
Principal: 
'What is 6 x 6?' 
Harry: 
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 
'Let me ask him some questions.' 
The principal and Harry both agreed. 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?' 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' 
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 

Harry: 'Pants.' 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval' 

Harry: 'Coconut.' 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?' 

Harry: 'Shake hands.' 

The principal was trembling. 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.' 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'


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## Hamlan (Jun 20, 2013)

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."


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## Ray (Jul 22, 2013)

*Little Girl on an Airplane*

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.


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## SlipperFan (Jul 22, 2013)

That's been going around the internet as a true story. Of course, it is not.


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## Ray (Jul 25, 2013)

*Tools' Functioning Accurately Described*

Another one floating around....

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE POLISHING WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a ***** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


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## Ray (Jan 30, 2014)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily, so he asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


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## abax (Jan 30, 2014)

Love the tool joke, Ray! I often damage humans and objects in my
husband's shop playhouse. That whole joke is true!


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## Ray (May 1, 2014)

*Flying*

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


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## Dido (May 1, 2014)

next time I will know what to do


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## iwillard (May 2, 2014)

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in their boat fishing, chewing 'bacca, and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says ...

"I think I'm gonna divorce the wife – she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says ... 

"Better think that over, Bubba ... women like that are hard to find."


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## Dido (May 23, 2014)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. 
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. 
It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. 
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... 
I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted 
last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. 
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand 
if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in 
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who owns this phone?............."


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## Ray (Dec 6, 2014)

*The Fence*

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know...

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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## paphioboy (Dec 8, 2014)

:rollhappy: :rollhappy: :rollhappy:


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## SlipperFan (Dec 14, 2014)

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: , the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use


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## tomkalina (Dec 16, 2014)

*Woman Survives Grizzly bear attack*

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.
These are her own words.:

While out hiking in Alaska with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol, I'll find other boyfriends.


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## likespaphs (Dec 16, 2014)

that reminds me of the old joke.....

several guys were camping when all of a sudden they hear a bear tearing through a tent near their tent. one guy takes off running. the second puts on his shoes, ties then, then starts running.
when he catches up with the first guy, the first guy asks, "why did you put on your shoes instead of just running?! you could have outrun the bear!"
second guy says, "i don't have to be faster than the bear, i just have to be faster than you!"


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## orchidsimplicit (Dec 17, 2014)

goldenrose said:


> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
> you at 80 miles per hour, sir.
> 
> The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
> ...



Ha Ha Ha, I've heard it before but I laugh every time I hear it!! :clap: :rollhappy:


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## Ray (Feb 17, 2015)

*Men In Heaven*

When everybody on earth passed on and was waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.” “One line for the men who were true heads of their households, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were only the two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long while in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


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## hbozeman (Feb 17, 2015)

I was on a plane, just after takeoff, when the guy sitting next to me started chuckling. He was not reading, no cell phone, no computer, nothing...he just started chuckling. A few minutes later, he laughed out loud. Later, he broke out into a hearty laugh. After he calmed down from that one, and a few minutes passed, he had an uncontrollable fit of laughter. 

I could not stand it any longer, so I said to him, "Something must be funny." He responded, "Sorry if I am bothering you, but I'm just telling myself jokes." 

Then I said, "That last one must have been really funny!"

He responded, "Yeah, I'd never heard that one before!"


----------



## orcoholic (Feb 17, 2015)

A kid comes home from Hebrew School and tells his mother that he just got a part in a play as the husband.

The mother tells him to go back and get a speaking part.


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## cnycharles (Feb 17, 2015)

Now now, husbands do at least say 'yes, dear' 

Sherlock Holmes and Watson once went on a camping trip in the open British countryside at Holmes' doctors' request; he needed to relax, get out and not over-analyze things. 

Holmes woke up one night, looked up and said 'Ah, Watson, what a beautiful sight!' 
Watson upon waking looked up, grumbled and said, 'Holmes, what do you see?' Watson commented on the beauty of the stars, the shining moon, the light glowing through the clouds. He then started propounding on whether the constellations were merely recognized familiar symbols by chance alignment by viewer from a particular spot in the universe, or whether God had placed each painstakingly, and.. - 
Watson finally interrupted:
'Holmes don't be daft - someone's stolen our tent!'

-courtesy of Ravi Zacharias, slight editorial changes (couldn't remember)


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## cnycharles (Mar 17, 2015)

We've had ants getting into our office and on my desk. I found some windex and started zapping them as they ran across the top. One day last week my boss sees what I'm doing, smiles and asks "are you Greek?"  I hadn't seen the movie...


----------



## Ray (Apr 28, 2015)

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Which window gets the blinds?"


----------



## SFLguy (Apr 28, 2015)

What did one orphan say to the other?
"Robin, get in the Batmobile"


----------



## Marco (May 3, 2015)

I told myself this morning. "No more plants"


----------



## Stone (May 13, 2015)

*blackadder line*

''One often forgets what one should say. Sir Thomas Moore for instance - burned alive at the stake for refusing to recant his catholisism - must have been kicking himself as the flames crept higher, that it never occured to him to say, ''I recant my catholisism!''


----------



## cnycharles (May 14, 2015)

Someone burning is funny?


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## Stone (May 14, 2015)

cnycharles said:


> Someone burning is funny?



Wow really? I guess I should have known.


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## cnycharles (May 15, 2015)

Belittling death in any manner lacks humor and degrades ones self as well. The person in the intended joke had far more honor and integrity than you or I any many others of our time put together. His decisions like millions of others who died and are dying presently were made fully knowing that it would likely cause their death; they were not caught off guard, and they really had no other choice if they truly had the beliefs they did. If people are true they don't cast their beliefs to the wind; Mr. More didn't recant, the words on his lips were what he knew already what he was going to say as he began to burn. The intended joke implies that he was a fool for not casting off his beliefs like most of our cultures that hold to nothing except fame and fortune; the opposite was true that the one belief was the most important thing in this world and all else is straining at the wind


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## Lanmark (May 15, 2015)

What I've learned is that preaching at someone is a one-way conversation leaving one side feeling self-righteous and the other side misunderstood.



...and now for my joke:

*Preacher:* "Can everyone hear me at the back?"
*Voice from the back:* "Yes, but I wouldn't mind changing seats with someone who can't."


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## Stone (May 16, 2015)

cnycharles said:


> > Belittling death in any manner lacks humor
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Lanmark (May 16, 2015)

Here's a bit of advice for you.

Advi. 
______________________

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.

His condition is described as stable. 
______________________

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.
______________________

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."


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## Marco (May 18, 2015)

Nice! i like it. Particularly, the trampoline one.


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## cnycharles (Jun 18, 2015)

Was just in grocery store, and gentleman walking by stops and asks 'what's the most expensive food a man can eat?' I'm standing next to the ice cream freezer and since that has been the most costly to my waist I say 'that'?
He replies 'wedding cake' 
(Must be his daughter was getting married...)



Sent using Tapatalk


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## phraggy (Jun 19, 2015)

Definition of marriage for a man.

Just find someone you don't like -- and buy them a house!!!!

----------------------------
My doctor prescribed powdered rhino horn to improve my love life ---- I keep butting trucks now!!

--------------------------------
Went into a restaurant and was asked if I liked scampi---- I said I loved all the Walt Disney films.

---------------------------------
Bought too many orchids lately --- my bank balance is now in the brown!!

Ed


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## Stone (Aug 11, 2015)

Teacher: ''Ok students I wan't you to write a Haiku and remember a Haiku has 17 syllables in 3 lines. 5 in the first, 7 in the second and 5 in the third''

Student writes:

Five syllables here
And seven syllables here
Are you happy now?


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## Lanmark (Aug 12, 2015)

What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters?
Orange Is The New Black.

___________________________

Donald Trump Campaign Slogan:

"Comb Over To The Dark Side"


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## Ozpaph (Aug 12, 2015)

That's funny!


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## cnycharles (Aug 26, 2015)

Man was thirsty but had no money
Turned to his friend and said
'I'll make you a deal - I'll ask myself a question and try to answer it and then you ask a question and try to answer it. Each will ask and the one who can't answer will buy the other a coke (or pepsi, or root beer...)'.
Friend says 'Wait a minute that doesn't make any sense; ask a question and answer it? ' 
'Yes, that's all' said the thirsty man
- 'You're on' said the friend...
Thirsty man says 'How can a rabbit dig a hole in the ground without pushing any dirt out? Answer: It starts from in the ground'
'Wait a minute' says the friend, 'How on earth can the rabbit start from inside the ground and dig out?'
- 'I don't know,... what's your answer?' 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SlipperFan (Dec 4, 2015)

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for$500,
if not cured, get back $1,000." 


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic. 

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth." 

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer:"Congratulations! 

You've got your taste back.That will be $500." 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, --that is Gasoline!" 

Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back 
.
That will be $500." 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 

Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! 

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, 

"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) 

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10! 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"* 

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.


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## Paphluvr (Dec 4, 2015)

SlipperFan said:


> An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
> He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for$500,
> if not cured, get back $1,000."
> 
> ...



Good one, Dot. I have to forward this to on older cousin.


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## orcoholic (Dec 5, 2015)

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The 911 operator says "How can you tell".
Man says, "Well the sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up".


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## cnycharles (Jan 11, 2016)

Two buddies were short on cash and trying to come up with a scheme to get some loose dough

First said 'hey I've got an idea; let's each ask a question, and then answer our own question. First to ask a question they can't answer buys the other a coke'

Second says 'that sounds odd... Let me get this straight - you asks question then answer, then I ask a question and answer (yep, yep) and first who can't answer buys the other a coke?!' Okay it's strange but sure lets go!

First - a rabbit is going to dig a new hole; how can it dig a hole without getting any soil on the outside of the ground? Answer - it starts digging from the inside out'

'That's crazy! How can a rabbit dig a new hole starting from the inside?!'

'I don't know,... That's your question: what's the answer??


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## SlipperFan (Jan 20, 2016)

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher: 
My five-year old students are learning to read. 
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, “Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!”
I took a deep breath, then asked, “What … did you call it?”
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so right on the picture!”
And so it does ... A f r i c a n Elephant.


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## cnycharles (Jan 23, 2016)

Fred was talking with his grandson one night. 'Billy, I had a tough time when I was a little kid. Sometimes I'd have these dreams where a crow would fly down, tell me something and fly away. Worst thing about it was what the crow said would come true!'
'One time the crow tells me my aunt would die tomorrow. I ran downstairs crying and told mom and dad, and they just tell me to go back to sleep. Sure enough next day we get word that she'd passed away. Few months later the crow comes back and says 'tomorrow your daddy is going to die'
I was horrified! I told dad next morning and he looked really upset. Not knowing what to do he went to work looking very depressed. Later on he came home looking haggard and said to mom 'that had to have been the worst day of my life!'
Mom said 'That's nothing! This morning the milkman dropped dead on the front steps!'


Elmer Nj


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## Clark (Jan 26, 2016)

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'


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## Linus_Cello (Feb 1, 2016)

In honor of the ongoing events in Iowa today (US politics):

I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

Congressman Mo Udall


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## Lanmark (Feb 2, 2016)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4kGhL096II

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpKiP_gmDS8


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## Ray (Feb 10, 2016)

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."


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## cnycharles (Feb 25, 2016)

CATCH OF THE DAY!!

The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing," replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth." says the old man.....


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## Paphluvr (Mar 2, 2016)

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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## Lanmark (Jun 5, 2016)

http://trumpdonald.org

:rollhappy:

:clap:


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## cnycharles (Jun 23, 2016)

Nothing.


'That which rocks dream about' - Aristotle


Elmer Nj


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## cnycharles (Jun 23, 2016)

'Two Australians once appeared before the pearly gates. Saint Peter and his aide were quite surprised, not expecting them and weren't sure what to do. Peter questioned them, to which they said well why don't you go find God and get this straightened out? 
Peters aide thought this was a good idea so off they went. God didn't see them on his lists, so back they went to the pearly gates. 

Only problem was, the Australians were both gone 

And so were the pearly gates 

(From an Australian source  )


Elmer Nj


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## SlipperFan (Jul 28, 2016)

Need a laugh today?

A lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" 

"Sure," answered the lady, "do you need a lift?" 

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the female driver. 

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the lady's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the lady walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the lady.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the lady. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."


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## Lanmark (Jul 30, 2016)

http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/065/901/1f8.gif

:rollhappy:


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## cnycharles (Jul 30, 2016)

Another recent truck bumper sticker

D. A. D. D. -

"Dads against Daughters Dating"


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## cnycharles (Aug 23, 2016)

Another bumper sticker wisdom but not a joke - 'the best things in life are not things' 


Elmer Nj


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## Lanmark (Sep 4, 2016)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?


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## cnycharles (Sep 30, 2016)

Opioid addiction -no joke

Learned on the radio a few days ago;
Every day 78 people die only in the us from opioid overdoses
4/5 of these people became addicted through prescription opioids, either adults prescribed, or kids discovering them in medicine cabinets and using/sharing/selling
It's truly a national health epidemic


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## SlipperFan (Jan 26, 2017)

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.” 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event: 

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI 

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. 

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI 

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. 

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI 

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer. 

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC 

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? 

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER 

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY 

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. 

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI 

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. 

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI 

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.


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## Lanmark (Jan 26, 2017)

:rollhappy:


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## troy (Jan 27, 2017)

Hahahaha... holy crap dot!!!, thats funny!!


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## cnycharles (Jan 28, 2017)

I haven't attended a new mexico chili contest yet but know they are serious about their peppers! Seen fields of red chiles drying in the sun while driving down highway and seen lots of ristras hanging from shops. I have purchased pepper seeds from nmsu


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## Ray (Feb 10, 2017)

I'm thinking about a new advertising campaign.... What do you think?







Just kidding... I don't need to get sued.


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## SlipperFan (Feb 11, 2017)

Not bad, Ray!


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## SlipperFan (Feb 16, 2017)

Joke du Jour
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
But in the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington


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## cnycharles (Feb 28, 2017)

A kind lady recently died of cancer in the hospital. Having been of the faith, she soon ended up standing up in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter wasn't present at the moment, so she pressed up against the bars near the gate. She soon recognized friends and family and earnestly wanted to enter. 
St. Peter walked up; 'Hello, nice to see you here. At this time there is one requirement to pass through these gates: you have to tell me how you spell one particular word.'
The lady was a little nervous; imagine getting waylaid at the gates by a misspelling? 'What is the word?'
'You must spell the word 'LOVE' for me.' The lady broke out with an ecstatic smile ... 'l o v e!'
Very good! Said St. Peter, you may now enter and join with your loved ones! The lady spent a few years saying hello to everyone. 
One day, St. Peter walked up to her and asked if she could watch the gates while he attended to an errand. Much to her surprise, her husband was soon standing before the gates wanting to enter! She walked up, and asked how he had been doing since she'd died. 'Tremendous! When you passed away, a kind young nurse at the hospital consoled me. Soon we became friends, and were married about a month later. She had a rich aunt who willed her millions of dollars, and after her passing we went on cruises, trips to paris, honolulu, the caribbean, and many exotic locations. We had many children as she was very energetic and fertile.... actually I died because she was too excitable and wouldn't let me rest, and my heart gave out. ... but what a way to go!'
The kind ladies' upper lip got a little stiff, but she still managed a smile. The husband said, 'What must I do to pass through these gates, dear?' She said, 'just spell one word and you can enter...
Your word is CZECHOSLOVAKIA'


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cnycharles (Feb 28, 2017)

Once upon a time, an old man was fishing at a bass pond. After a few hours of fishing, he heard some splashing and a voice calling out to him - 'hello kind sir, kiss me and I will turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen!'
The old man's eyesight wasnt great and his hearing was a bit sketchy also; he thought he'd dozed off after a bit too much ripple, so just shook his head and kept on fishing. 
Soon he heard again a voice speaking in earnest - 'hello kind sir, will you help me? Kiss me and I will turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!'
This time he thought the voice was real. 'Who are you and where are you?! he cried out'
'Over here in the cattails; a wicked lady was jealous and turned me into a frog!' The man jumped off his stool and looked down into the reeds and sure enough there was a frog looking up at him.' 'Please pick me up and kiss me, i will be the most beautiful woman you have ever seen!'.
The man scratched his head for a few moments, then picked up the frog and put it/her into his pocket. 
'Wait! Why won't you kiss me? I am very beautiful!'
The man shook his head and said 'Well at this point in my life, a talking frog is much more interesting!'


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ray (Mar 3, 2017)

My wife saw this on a FB post of a church announcement board:

A pervert, a racist, and a psychopath walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"


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## Ray (Mar 15, 2017)

*Southern Divorce*

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "*What are the grounds for your divorce*?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"*No,*" he said, "*I mean what is the foundation of this case?*" 
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. 

"*I mean,*" he continued, "*what are your relations like?*" 
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."  

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "*Do you have a real grudge?*" 
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." 

"*Please,*" he tried again, "*is there any infidelity in your marriage?*" 
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it." 

"*Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?*" 
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." 

The judge asked, "I*s your husband a nagger?*" 
"Oh, no, he's as white as you and me!" 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "*Lady, why do you want a divorce?*" 
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. That silly man says he can't communicate with me."


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## Ray (May 9, 2017)

*His Name was "Bubba"*

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so....... 

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there, in pristine condition, when I return?"


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## Lanmark (May 31, 2017)

Instead of John,
I call my bathroom Jim.
It sounds better when I say,
"I went to the Jim first thing this morning."


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## Ozpaph (Jun 1, 2017)

Ray said:


> His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... And he needed a loan, so.......
> 
> He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
> 
> ...



I did not see that coming! LOL


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## Ray (Jan 26, 2018)

A friend has two tickets to the Superbowl. Box seats on the 50 yard line! Paid $2500 a piece for them, but when he bought them last year, he didn’t realize that February 4th was going to be his wedding day. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at the St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Cary NC at 3 pm. Her name is Cindy, and she’s about 5’-9”, 140 pounds, and a great cook. She’ll be the one in the white dress.


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## Ozpaph (Jan 27, 2018)

love it!!!


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## SlipperFan (Jan 29, 2018)

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

No response. 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 

Still no response. 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

Again he gets no response. 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 

(I just love this!!) 

'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


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## Ray (Jan 30, 2018)

Hilarious! And too close to reality here...


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## cnycharles (Feb 2, 2018)

Arthur was celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary the other day with his wife. He started recollecting out loud to her - “You know dear, life was so different when we got married... I slept on a lumpy $5 couch, lived in a dumpy one-bedroom apt that cost $100 a month to rent, I drove a rusty $300 Buick, but I slept with my gorgeous 20 y.o. wife. Now I sleep on a $1000 mattress, live in a .75 mil$ house, drive a $75k Mercedes but sleep with a 70 y.o. woman.” 

“You know dear,” said Art, it seems like you aren’t holding up your end of the arrangement!”

Art’s wife smiled very graciously. “Well, dear; I am willing to let you sleep with a 20 y.o. if you so feel the need, but I guarantee that you will then very soon again be sleeping on a $5 couch, in a $100 apt, and driving a $300 rusty Buick!”


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## Ray (Feb 21, 2018)

Two young business school graduates were setting up a retail store in a Florida mall. All the shelves and fixtures were in, but the inventory had not yet arrived. One turns to the other and says, “I’ll bet some old fart geezer is going to stick his head in here and ask what we’re selling”.

Sure enough, a matter of a few minutes later, and elderly man glances in, knocks on the glass, and says, “Hey fellas. What’re you selling here?”.

One of the owners responds with “We’re selling assholes”.

Without missing a beat, the gentleman responds “Business must be good. You only have two left.”


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## Ray (Feb 25, 2018)

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case there was a need for it. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world. 

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. 

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation. 

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a follow-up procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood. 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. 

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and crappy box of chocolates?" 

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins!”


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## My Green Pets (Feb 25, 2018)

Ray said:


> An Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case there was a need for it. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
> 
> Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
> 
> ...


wonk wonk wonk (but laughing)


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## cnycharles (Jun 19, 2018)

Not really a joke but

Today sitting outside in hoops working on scraping liverwort from the tops of some phlox plugs

I look down and see tiny spider running across my leg. I look up at the plug tray to pick up another plug to clean, and theres a spider running across the foliage. From the brim of my hat is another spider. 

I started to think *theyre everywhere* (a famous quote from Marathon video games of old) but instead a similar phrase from American Express commercials came out 
Spiders: Theyre everywhere you want to be 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ozpaph (Jun 24, 2018)

you need to get out more............LOL!


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## Ray (Apr 9, 2020)

A man suffering from Covid-19 is in the hospital, where he has IV’s and an oxygen mask.

A cute, young student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath. While she is doing so, he asks “Are my testicles black?”

She is a bit embarrassed, so tells him that she is only there to wash his upper body and feet. He replies “Fine, but are my testicles black?”

Figuring that, as a nurse, she’ll see all sorts of stuff, she relents and lifts his gown. Holding his “manhood” in one hand, she uses the other to carefully inspect things, and announces that everything seems to be fine.

The man takes off his oxygen mask and says “Thank you. That was very nice, but please listen to me carefully.” Then slowly says “Are...my...test...results...back?”


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## Linus_Cello (Jul 29, 2020)

Article headline (I think it's up there with "Headless body found at topless bar"):

*EMISSIONS*
*No one is owning up to releasing cloud of methane in Fla.*


Published: Wednesday, July 29, 2020
It was 12 miles wide, invisible to the naked eye and traveled across six counties to Florida's largest city. And it's still unclear who — or what — was responsible.

The mysterious plume of methane, estimated to total 300 metric tons, was released north of Gainesville between May 2 and May 3, when it reached Jacksonville, according to Bluefield Technologies Inc., which analyzed data from the European Space Agency's Sentinel-5P satellite.

....
More at









EMISSIONS: No one is owning up to releasing cloud of methane in Fla.


It was 12 miles wide, invisible to the naked eye and traveled across six counties to Florida's largest city. And it's still unclear who — or what — was responsible.




www.eenews.net


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## richgarrison (Jul 29, 2020)

i do love mexican food ..... ;-)


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## richgarrison (Jul 29, 2020)

what a freakin' awesome thread... been reading from the 'bottom up' so to speak....


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