Joke Of The Day

[Lanmark]

Here's a bit of advice for you.

Advi.
______________________

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.

His condition is described as stable.
______________________

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.
______________________

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

 

[Marco]

Nice! i like it. Particularly, the trampoline one.

 

[cnycharles]

Was just in grocery store, and gentleman walking by stops and asks 'what's the most expensive food a man can eat?' I'm standing next to the ice cream freezer and since that has been the most costly to my waist I say 'that'?
He replies 'wedding cake'
(Must be his daughter was getting married...)



Sent using Tapatalk

 

[phraggy]

Definition of marriage for a man.

Just find someone you don't like -- and buy them a house!!!!

----------------------------
My doctor prescribed powdered rhino horn to improve my love life ---- I keep butting trucks now!!

--------------------------------
Went into a restaurant and was asked if I liked scampi---- I said I loved all the Walt Disney films.

---------------------------------
Bought too many orchids lately --- my bank balance is now in the brown!!

Ed

 

[Stone]

Teacher: ''Ok students I wan't you to write a Haiku and remember a Haiku has 17 syllables in 3 lines. 5 in the first, 7 in the second and 5 in the third''

Student writes:

Five syllables here
And seven syllables here
Are you happy now?

 

[Lanmark]

What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters?
Orange Is The New Black.

___________________________

Donald Trump Campaign Slogan:

"Comb Over To The Dark Side"

 

[Ozpaph]

That's funny!

 

[cnycharles]

Man was thirsty but had no money
Turned to his friend and said
'I'll make you a deal - I'll ask myself a question and try to answer it and then you ask a question and try to answer it. Each will ask and the one who can't answer will buy the other a coke (or pepsi, or root beer...)'.
Friend says 'Wait a minute that doesn't make any sense; ask a question and answer it? '
'Yes, that's all' said the thirsty man
- 'You're on' said the friend...
Thirsty man says 'How can a rabbit dig a hole in the ground without pushing any dirt out? Answer: It starts from in the ground'
'Wait a minute' says the friend, 'How on earth can the rabbit start from inside the ground and dig out?'
- 'I don't know,... what's your answer?'


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[SlipperFan]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for$500,
if not cured, get back $1,000."


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer:"Congratulations!

You've got your taste back.That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, --that is Gasoline!"

Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back
.
That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,

"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

 

[Paphluvr]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for$500,
if not cured, get back $1,000."


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer:"Congratulations!

You've got your taste back.That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, --that is Gasoline!"

Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back
.
That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,

"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Good one, Dot. I have to forward this to on older cousin.

 

[orcoholic]

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The 911 operator says "How can you tell".
Man says, "Well the sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up".

 

[cnycharles]

Two buddies were short on cash and trying to come up with a scheme to get some loose dough

First said 'hey I've got an idea; let's each ask a question, and then answer our own question. First to ask a question they can't answer buys the other a coke'

Second says 'that sounds odd... Let me get this straight - you asks question then answer, then I ask a question and answer (yep, yep) and first who can't answer buys the other a coke?!' Okay it's strange but sure lets go!

First - a rabbit is going to dig a new hole; how can it dig a hole without getting any soil on the outside of the ground? Answer - it starts digging from the inside out'

'That's crazy! How can a rabbit dig a new hole starting from the inside?!'

'I don't know,... That's your question: what's the answer??

 

[SlipperFan]

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, “Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!”
I took a deep breath, then asked, “What … did you call it?”
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so right on the picture!”
And so it does ... A f r i c a n Elephant.

 

[cnycharles]

Fred was talking with his grandson one night. 'Billy, I had a tough time when I was a little kid. Sometimes I'd have these dreams where a crow would fly down, tell me something and fly away. Worst thing about it was what the crow said would come true!'
'One time the crow tells me my aunt would die tomorrow. I ran downstairs crying and told mom and dad, and they just tell me to go back to sleep. Sure enough next day we get word that she'd passed away. Few months later the crow comes back and says 'tomorrow your daddy is going to die'
I was horrified! I told dad next morning and he looked really upset. Not knowing what to do he went to work looking very depressed. Later on he came home looking haggard and said to mom 'that had to have been the worst day of my life!'
Mom said 'That's nothing! This morning the milkman dropped dead on the front steps!'


Elmer Nj

 

[Clark]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

 

[Linus_Cello]

In honor of the ongoing events in Iowa today (US politics):

I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

Congressman Mo Udall

 

[Lanmark]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4kGhL096II

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpKiP_gmDS8

 

[Ray]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

 

[cnycharles]

CATCH OF THE DAY!!

The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing," replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth." says the old man.....

 

[Paphluvr]

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.