Joke Of The Day

[Yoyo_Jo]

omg, they have the same typo on line. :clap:

http://www.stokeseeds.com/product.aspx?ProductID=54579&search=B1101

 

[cnycharles]

my aunt told me about a formerly troublesome student who just didn't like to do the classwork, and was sort of a smart-aleck to boot

Mrs. U.- "Johnny, I just got your final grades, and you have a 63 average. 65 is a passing grade. You're going to have to take the class over again; instead, if you can give me three good reasons why I should give you a passing grade, I'll let you pass. Can you give me three reasons why I should let you pass?"

Johnny - "Um, well, I don't know..."

Mrs. U. - "Johnny, this is really important! Can't you at least give me 'one' good reason why I should give you a passing grade?"

Johnny - *!* "Well, if you let me pass, you'll never have to deal with me ever again!"

.... Johnny received his passing grade

 

[Shiva]

Well, Johnny is on his way to a top company executive officer.

 

[Kavanaru]

hhe... good advice from grandma:
http://www.behance.net/gallery/Grandmother-Tips/2392946

 

[Lanmark]

My wife just said to me, "I'm sick of it, your friends are sick of it and your family is sick of it! Everywhere you go, you have to make an entrance!"

"I can't help it darling," I replied, "I'm a frakin' porch builder!"

 

[Lanmark]

Don't ask me to explain. I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

 

[likespaphs]

:rollhappy::rollhappy::rollhappy:

 

[Yoyo_Jo]

Don't ask me to explain. I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

:clap::rollhappy::clap::rollhappy::clap:

 

[cnycharles]

note a 'joke', but a sad commentary on corporate greed or insensitivity

at our orchid society meeting yesterday, one of the people there mentioned that their wife worked for a health insurance company, and the employer would not offer health insurance as a benefit to the employee or their family

 

[likespaphs]

 

[SlipperFan]

note a 'joke', but a sad commentary on corporate greed or insensitivity...

You got that right! How do you change that culture?!

 

[Lanmark]

You got that right! How do you change that culture?!

Moral integrity must be nurtured within each of us and then shared with those around us on a daily basis. Doing the next right thing in each and every situation and "paying it forward" are things we all can do to help foster a new attitude across society. Those of us who have the means and the ability to speak out publicly for change and against injustice should feel free to do so at will. It's unfortunate that so many in our society today, for whatever reason or excuse, frown upon those who are willing to play a part in drawing public attention to the rampant greed and vile corruption which have nearly destroyed many of today's once-great economies. Change starts within, but we mustn't be afraid of telling others we have high moral expectations of them too. A successful civilized society demands at least a modicum of moral integrity and social responsibility from all of its constituents.

I wish peace, freedom and prosperity to everyone who reads this. Now if only it were that simple...

...and now a blonde joke -- I feel entitled because I once was blonde (when I was young)

A husband's blonde wife is going to the store. He tells her "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get me a dozen"

Twenty minutes later she returns and puts 12 gallon jugs of milk on the table.

The husband asks, "What is this???"

She says, "They had eggs."
:clap:

 

[SlipperFan]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-sh*%!"

 

[cnycharles]

(found on a cooking forum)

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

 

[Dido]

Got this joke from one of my chiefs :evil:

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said;

"You see that bridge over there? Yes said the Greek mayor.

The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's palatial house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how the hell this could be afforded the Greek said;

"You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied; "........... "No ???"

 

[Dido]

Hy

get this jokes form a Uk friend::

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
----oOo----


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid...then I was petrified
----oOo----


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
----oOo----


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
----oOo----


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....


----oOo----


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,
"I can get one cheaper off the web."


----oOo----


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


----oOo----


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


----oOo----


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

----oOo----


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."


----oOo----


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought,
'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

 

[Dido]

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

 

[Clark]

hehehe
Been there.

 

[cnycharles]

dumb spam received the other day


"U.S. pioneering biotech company developing pharmaceutical cannabis (marijuana) products, has just released new updated photos from a cancer patient self-administering cannabis extracts.
Prior to using cannabis-based extracts the patient had received radiation and chemotherapy treatment. He patient noticed a huge difference between the treatments:

While on radiation treatments, each day was stressful and after each treatment I felt horrible as if my entire body was dying organ by organ,-says he. While using the Oil, I have noticed that my overall health seems much better. I sleep the recommended hours, unlike the insomnia I suffered while on radiation, and unlike the radiation that caused the restless sleep and nightmares, on the Oil I sleep like a baby,-stated he.
The patient also mentioned that while showering he saw  pieces of the tumor falling off with the water as he was washing his head. This patient is very pleased with the results of the topical cannabis extract so far and said he enjoyed absolutely nothing about radiation and felt constantly sick and just overall unhealthy, but with using the oil he said, "I feel myself being restored, not tortured."
Information for Medical and Health Care Investors We are looking for leading investors to support medical supply, equipment, and efficient medical and health care for our future researches. If you believe you can make a difference in people’s lives, we welcome you to contact us for more information. For more information, please visit

www.cannnabistreatment.com

Disclaimer: When a patient is deciding what type of treatment they want to pursue, they should talk with their doctor first, about the specific cancer type that they have and discuss the treament course"

I'm not sure if the note above mentions whether or not the patient was hallucinating when he saw bits of tumor falling off of his head, and they don't actually say that the c. oil actually 'cured' anything (except for his upset stomach)

 

[Ray]

Three Holy Mean and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."