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goldenrose
Guest
:rollhappy::rollhappy: very cute!
I'm glad to see this thread activated!
I'm glad to see this thread activated!
Blue Joke Alert... :evil:
While walking through the woods one day a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
While walking through the woods one day a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
(heard on radio this morning)
one man was bragging to another about the strength of his family tree and proclaimed to another, "I once had a great-grandfather who was so strong, he could drive a stagecoach with no wheels on it!"
other: "That's perposterous; what held the stagecoach up?"
"Bandits!" :rollhappy: :rollhappy:
(I didn't say it was a good joke
)
one man was bragging to another about the strength of his family tree and proclaimed to another, "I once had a great-grandfather who was so strong, he could drive a stagecoach with no wheels on it!"
other: "That's perposterous; what held the stagecoach up?"
"Bandits!" :rollhappy: :rollhappy:
(I didn't say it was a good joke
)
D
Dido
Guest
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who
is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day
and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and
winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and
that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to
say something.
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who
is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day
and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and
winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and
that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to
say something.
MEN!!!!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you..... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor ------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...
………….Then He made the earth round.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you..... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor ------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...
………….Then He made the earth round.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and softdrinks in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little ****'s name is Kevin."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little ****'s name is Kevin."
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office..
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
just sent to me via email (I'm no good at remembering my own jokes)
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."
D
Dido
Guest
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to
my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you
to use the word fascinate not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to
see Rock City and was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him
.Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to
my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you
to use the word fascinate not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to
see Rock City and was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him
.Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
SlipperFan
Addicted
Speaking of word games:
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
paphioboy
hehehe...
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2006
- Messages
- 7,253
- Reaction score
- 1
Just a tap on the shoulder
A passenger in a hired limousine leaned over to ask the driver for the time and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver shrieked, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the limousine. Then the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 year.
A passenger in a hired limousine leaned over to ask the driver for the time and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver shrieked, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the limousine. Then the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 year.
K
Kavanaru
Guest
From a friend in Fb:
'I was explaining to my boss last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".'
'I was explaining to my boss last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".'
Dot's post remind me a favourite hockey joke.
There's this player explaining to a journalist all the wounds he suffered during his carreer. Head injuries, shoulder injuries, knee injuries ans so on...the player answered in details.
So the journalist asked him: ''Where were you hurt the most?''
The answer: ''In Chicago!''
There's this player explaining to a journalist all the wounds he suffered during his carreer. Head injuries, shoulder injuries, knee injuries ans so on...the player answered in details.
So the journalist asked him: ''Where were you hurt the most?''
The answer: ''In Chicago!''
SlipperFan
Addicted
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
A man is sitting quietly watching TV and his wife comes up from behind…
Wham! She hits him on the head with a frying pan.
‘’What the heck is wrong with you? Are you nuts?’’
-I found this piece of paper in your jeans: Mary 985-438-1100!
-You got it all wrong dear : Mary is the name of the horse, 9 is the race number, 85 is my bet and 43 the number on the horse, 8 is the guy I placed the bet with and 1100 is the time of the race…
-Oh! Sorry about that dear.’’
Two days later: Wham! The man is hit again on the head with the frying pan.
‘’What is it now?’’
- Your horse is on the phone!’’
Wham! She hits him on the head with a frying pan.
‘’What the heck is wrong with you? Are you nuts?’’
-I found this piece of paper in your jeans: Mary 985-438-1100!
-You got it all wrong dear : Mary is the name of the horse, 9 is the race number, 85 is my bet and 43 the number on the horse, 8 is the guy I placed the bet with and 1100 is the time of the race…
-Oh! Sorry about that dear.’’
Two days later: Wham! The man is hit again on the head with the frying pan.
‘’What is it now?’’
- Your horse is on the phone!’’
Yoyo_Jo
Catt's Meow
I nearly snorted my coffee this morning when I read the following in the new Stokes seed catalogue:
"Transonic Bug Chaser...With a 1500 sq ft/139 sq m coverage area, flying and crawling insects in your basement, garage, kitchen or panty are a thing of the past." :rollhappy:
"Transonic Bug Chaser...With a 1500 sq ft/139 sq m coverage area, flying and crawling insects in your basement, garage, kitchen or panty are a thing of the past." :rollhappy:
J
Jorch
Guest
Hilarious! :clap:
