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As you may know, in China, it's surname followed by initials.

I had a guy working for me in Hong Kong - Stanley Fu - whose full name was Fu Chi Kuan. He loved coming here and signing his name...
 
sorry, not really a joke, but..

question: If you are standing on a street corner in an american city, how can you tell who is a devout socialist?

answer: they are the ones leading the riots

'day of rage' (look out)

(btw, i'm not a socialist; i'm a general run of the mill capitalist)
Ne réveillez pas le chat qui dort :rolleyes:

Question: How can you tell who the capitalists are?

Answer: They are the ones getting bailed out by the government's program of socialism for the rich, a program which comes at the expense of everyone else. Take Wall Street for example...

It's not really a joke either.

A visitor from out of town took a guided tour of Manhattan. Near the end of the tour the guide took the visitor to the financial district, and when they arrived at Battery Park the guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchored there.

The guide said with a flourish, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

:poke:
 
;) lanmark, in your joke, you say that the capitalists are getting bailed out by the govt. for their rich socialists tea party... then it's not logical and it's 'rich socialists' who are getting bailed out (smile). us general run of the mill capitalists know that the big banks and financiers etc are not capitalists; if they were, they would be allowed to fail (in a capitalist society nobody would be protected) and a better business would take their place.

point is, beware of leaping before looking and knowing what you are getting yourself into. there are too many cats and dogs in the u.s. sleeping their lives away in front of their big screen or above their smartphone, and people need to be careful
 
;) lanmark, in your joke, you say that the capitalists are getting bailed out by the govt. for their rich socialists tea party... then it's not logical and it's 'rich socialists' who are getting bailed out (smile). us general run of the mill capitalists know that the big banks and financiers etc are not capitalists; if they were, they would be allowed to fail (in a capitalist society nobody would be protected) and a better business would take their place.

point is, beware of leaping before looking and knowing what you are getting yourself into. there are too many cats and dogs in the u.s. sleeping their lives away in front of their big screen or above their smartphone, and people need to be careful

definition of specious:

1. apparently good or right though lacking real merit; superficially pleasing or plausible: specious arguments.
2. pleasing to the eye but deceptive.

Never did I mention the words Tea Party, but you are right: what happened with the bailout is senseless! You should know, however, that socialism is not a dirty word. True democracy cannot exist without socialism as one of its core components, but capitalism can indeed exist without a shred of democracy. Just take a look at the history of Pinochet in Chile. There are a lot of specious things in this world including, but not limited to, the delusion that wanton, uncontrolled greed and deregulated competition is a thing of purity and the answer to all our woes as many tea-swilling and libertarian Americans today believe it to be.

Speaking of specious, I just love this little flash video. It never fails to make me smile, and smiles, after all, are what this thread is about! :wink:
http://www.xenu.net/flash/specious.swf

Also, I'd like to end this post with a favorite limerick of mine, just for giggles!

A lady who called herself Kat
Bore triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat
She quite enjoyed the breeding
But agonized o'er the feeding
'Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat

:rollhappy:
 
I didn't mention the 'Tea Party', if you will read, you will notice 'tea party' in lower case, which means a frivolous and mindless event and not the more recently organized group of people who are disgusted with politics and etc in the u.s. . I'm not sure why you feel you are poking me, I am a general citizen of this country. if you want to mock the politics and morals of this country, feel free! I agree that much here is lacking. The point that the whole sit-in in new york and washington (for the moment) is rather specious or frivolous in itself (smile), unless there is real intent behind those who are organizing.

Socialism in itself has already proven itself to be a failture. Where is the true socialist society of today (or yesterday) that has shown itself to be a success?True capitalism and democracy, do not exist in the united states. ..nor anywhere. so,.. your points about frivolity and speciosity are in themselves specious! :rollhappy: Even in the days of 'rampant communism', those societies were also not truly communistic; more dictatorships. all societies are a mix of this and that, depending on the wants of the governing bodies. if you feel that you are poking the general state of the u.s. then again feel free. but if you feel that you are poking me as a rampant capitalist or whatever, then your limericks are far from the point, and marginalize the author (or contributor). but, orchid growers including myself can often be categorized as being 'pretty out there' ;) Claiming that any one social, political or economic idea or theory is 'the one to have' or 'superior' to others and seeking to denigrate others, is the epitome of speciosity

again, the point is that people should make sure that they are careful before they join groups that they don't know the motives behind the organizers. you seem to want to ignore that point, that in general people don't often know what they are getting themselves into, whether it is politics, business, jobs, relationships etc or whatever. seeking why and how things are happening is what a true citizen should do, not just follow the crowd if you're pissed off. the history channel is chock-full of millions who have died for just such a blind action. I work with many bosnians, and they will tell you very quickly that this is what happened in their country, and if you described the situation to people of other countries who have been torn apart by civil wars (check out africa - recent and past history) because people who normally lived side-by-side were incited by those who wanted to seek power, so sought those who were disenfranchised and stirred the pot, if they then realized what was happening they would say 'beware' very quickly. actually, one of my (bosnian/now a u.s. citizen) co-workers has already mentioned to me that what is happening in the u.s. right now makes him very nervous
 
I didn't mention the 'Tea Party', if you will read, you will notice 'tea party' in lower case, which means a frivolous and mindless event and not the more recently organized group of people who are disgusted with politics and etc in the u.s. . I'm not sure why you feel you are poking me, I am a general citizen of this country. if you want to mock the politics and morals of this country, feel free! I agree that much here is lacking. The point that the whole sit-in in new york and washington (for the moment) is rather specious or frivolous in itself (smile), unless there is real intent behind those who are organizing.

Socialism in itself has already proven itself to be a failture. Where is the true socialist society of today (or yesterday) that has shown itself to be a success?True capitalism and democracy, do not exist in the united states. ..nor anywhere. so,.. your points about frivolity and speciosity are in themselves specious! :rollhappy: Even in the days of 'rampant communism', those societies were also not truly communistic; more dictatorships. all societies are a mix of this and that, depending on the wants of the governing bodies. if you feel that you are poking the general state of the u.s. then again feel free. but if you feel that you are poking me as a rampant capitalist or whatever, then your limericks are far from the point, and marginalize the author (or contributor). but, orchid growers including myself can often be categorized as being 'pretty out there' ;) Claiming that any one social, political or economic idea or theory is 'the one to have' or 'superior' to others and seeking to denigrate others, is the epitome of speciosity

again, the point is that people should make sure that they are careful before they join groups that they don't know the motives behind the organizers. you seem to want to ignore that point, that in general people don't often know what they are getting themselves into, whether it is politics, business, jobs, relationships etc or whatever. seeking why and how things are happening is what a true citizen should do, not just follow the crowd if you're pissed off. the history channel is chock-full of millions who have died for just such a blind action. I work with many bosnians, and they will tell you very quickly that this is what happened in their country, and if you described the situation to people of other countries who have been torn apart by civil wars (check out africa - recent and past history) because people who normally lived side-by-side were incited by those who wanted to seek power, so sought those who were disenfranchised and stirred the pot, if they then realized what was happening they would say 'beware' very quickly. actually, one of my (bosnian/now a u.s. citizen) co-workers has already mentioned to me that what is happening in the u.s. right now makes him very nervous
My limerick was simply a limerick. Don't be paranoid. It was not "directed" at you. It was here for the simple fact that this is the joke thread. The sole point of my other comments is that I didn't appreciate your ugly, small-minded comments against socialists, and I was not about to sit silently by while you mischaracterized and maligned an entire group of people in the thin guise of humor -- hence my comment about not waking the sleeping cat. I am that cat. You started it. I will end it.

I, too, am a citizen of the USA, but I support the principles of social democracy. I do not support capitalism as it exists today in the USA. I do not support the current trend toward plutocracy. The gilded age is in the past and must never be allowed to return. I, too, am a capitalist but one who believes in the rules of fair trade, consumer protections, workers' rights, civil liberties, civil rights, progressive taxation, social responsibility and a social net.

I am careful about my beliefs and about my investments. I am well-educated with a Masters Degree, and I'm not one to follow the latest political fads on a whim. I capitalize my sentences and use punctuation too. I also grow orchids. I am successful in life and financially comfortable today, but over the past three years I've lost $600K in stock values. Another $500K was stolen from me in what is now a notorious Wall Street investment fund ponzi scheme. My not-inconsiderable decreases in incomes from my asset investments over the past three years total $122K to date and counting.

Am I pissed off? You bet I am! Will I sit idly by and shut up about it? No!

I still own stocks. I still have IRA accounts. I still have bonds. I still have certificates of deposit. I still have other investments. I still own real estate and automobiles, and I have zero outstanding debt. My credit cards are paid in full each month. I don't work due to illness these days, but I am financially comfortable. I could be much worse off, and I could be much better.

I've been here for over five decades and I know a thing or two about history. This is not Bosnia. This is the United States of America on the path to becoming something I no longer recognize. Cast aspersions on those with the guts and integrity to stand up against Wall Street and protest the disgusting corruption therein, and I will take you to task in a heartbeat every single time. Aside from that I respect you in every way.

Now let's get back to telling jokes, and kindly keep the snide anti-socialist political comments out of this particular thread. :poke:

A Limerick get laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical. :clap:
 
The last few posts reminded me of this quotation:

"Opinions are like ********. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks."

With that said, I would prefer to keep politics off this forum. Everyone's viewpoint is different and everyone thinks their viewpoint is the most valid one. Enough said.

Enough about politics, let's now talk religion.

A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk were on a train . . . . .

Oh, I better not. :wink:
 
:) I welcome people's opinions, and don't call them a holes when they differ from mine. I'm glad that we live, or at least the server that houses this forum, lives in the united states. We are able to exchange ideas and opinions at will, freely. I don't take any upset from these posts, and none were made to be personally directed. I did make the mistake of being too general in my 'joke' using a very broad term 'socialist', and also in my broad self-description as being 'capitalist'. I'm not a true capitalist, but a member of a country that allows someone to have a business which I'm happy about. I see that many like me who are middle-class may soon become the minority. I can recognize that many people are tired of being taken by thieves, in that we are all in agreement. I also agree with many of Lanmark's self-describing statements. My point still is that people should be very careful about what they get themselves into, and I'm not directing messages personally to anyone. I welcome the free exchange of ideas, and hope that whatever becomes of our country in the future, we all retain the right and ability to express these ideas without ending up in jail or dead. You are right that this isn't Bosnia, but as you say, it's not the United States that it used to be, and is pretty firmly being directed by extremely well-financed forces to whatever direction they want. Bosnia wasn't a Bosnia until things were bad and someone wanted to stir the pot for their own personal glory and greed. This country could very quickly become something that none of us may ever recognize. Would you ever think that people would run around massacring thousands to intimidate and such in this country? It's happened at least twice during the Revolutionary war and before the Civil War. Things change very quickly and this is already not the country that used to be, and don't believe for a second that anything that has happened somewhere else in the world couldn't happen here.
I don't oppose anyone's desire to have a personal belief, and my words weren't directed against them from doing something they believe; if you believe it will help and you know all the players involved, then God Speed. If you don't know, then be careful.
 
:rolleyes: Fair enough :wink: I don't see you as an a-hole. I respect your opinions and your right to have them. I'm also grateful we have the right to public assembly, free speech and dissent here in this nation. I happen to see those who are currently occupying Wall Street expressing their outrage as a group of courageous and honorable individuals, but I'd much rather talk about orchids and exchange jokes and humorous anecdotes any day. :D

What do you call two young married spiders?

Newlywebs. :p


A toddler was caught chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent asked, "Well, what does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply. :evil:
 
This is
the most civil way to have a fight between a husband and wife
instead of
resorting to physical force...


Poems written by WIFE and
HUSBAND.


WIFE:

When I wrote your name on sand, it got washed away.
When I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
When I wrote your name in my heart, I got a Heart Attack.


HUSBAND:

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:

Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
A monkey like u should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you


AND
THE SAGA CONTINUES........

A Husband Is just like a Split Air Con
No matter how Loud he is outdoors
He is designed to remain Silent indoors...

....................................................................
"A Husband
is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck,
and whichever way she turns, the head follows."
.......................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
................................................................

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
..................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
...................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount
Everest ?
Husband: A little Push...!

and life goes on.......
 
A toddler was caught chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent asked, "Well, what does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply. :evil:

LOL I need to send this one to my niece (now, 29J) she was a big fan of eating cockroaches and bugs when she was a little girl... LOL
 
I had a dream once of green alien fishes taking over the world. They were litterally dressed to the nines with smokings, monocle in the eye, gray striped pants well pressed and glossy black top hats. They were smoking cigarettes with cigarette holders. Gold watches in their side pocket with matching chain. One had put a fin casually in his breast pocket.
I remember thinking in my dream ''If they can do better with the planet, they can have it!''
First and only time in my life I woke up laughing hysterically. :rollhappy:
And no, I didn't take any funny stuff before going to bed.
 
With the help of modern medicine a 65j lady could become pregnant and get a baby. Once back from the hospital with her newly born all her relatives and friends wanted to see the wonder baby.
-"where is the baby? Can we see him?"
-'no, not now!'
Few hours later
-"can we see the baby now?"
-'no, not yet!'
Few hours later
-"can we see him now?"
-'no, not yet, I said"
-"but why not? Is he sleeping?"
-'you need to wait until he starts crying! I cannot remeqmber where I put him!'
 
3 old men were talking. They were all complaining about how their bodies start to fail them in old age. The 60 year old complained about urination. It was so hard for him to do. He always felt he had to go, but he always had problems when he did it. The 70 year old complained about his regularity. He was always constipated. The 80 year old said he was worse than either of them. They asked him how. He told them "I pee like clockwork every morning at 6:00. Then I always take a dump at 7:00, every day." They couldn't understand why he was complaining, until he said "I don't get up until 8."
 
Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

:eek: EWWWWW!
 
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